15*) Grounding with Khaos

I really need to express the importance of not undertaking your healing journey alone.

And please remember while reading this at no point did I suffer anything worse than some superficial scratches or bruises. No actual damage done to myself.

If you can listen and read… Please enjoy my newest EPP for Grounding!

If you cannot, please click this link to open the playlist in another tab so you can switch to it easily if anything I say happens to trigger you into a negative headspace and you need a little assistance coming back to center.

We’re in this together. You’re never alone even if it seems like you might be.

(If you prefer spotify click here. Or there’s an embedded version at the end!)

I know therapy can be expensive.

I know friends can seem hard to find… or distant when you need them most.

But you need to let people be there for you.

Trying to do this on your own could have dire consequences for yourself and others.

I know this because of course… I didn’t listen to this advice when it was given to me.

Over and over.

By friends.

By family.

By strangers.

By professionals.

I thought I could take care of myself better because they just didn’t understand where I was at. I had tried to tell them. In 15 different blogs.

The only one who seemed to understand was the one everyone else questioned as to why we were still in each others lives.

After seeing us interact most people stop questioning that, but it still takes a while to settle in their heads.

On Monday August 17th, I did NOT TRY to kill myself or anyone else.

I did confront just about every single movie, song, and book I had ever read, watched or listened to at some point in the night.

I did hold myself underwater until the absolute last possible second…

Twice…

I also drove my car down dirt back roads with the lights off in the pitch black just trusting that I could feel the road.

The same way I could trust I knew where to go when I walked if I just listened internally.

I could feel the road on the tires through the pedals.

I could feel when I got near the edge.

I barely got over 30mph. There was nothing around me but farm fields.

Then this wonderful reference popped into my head….

”Let Jesus take the wheel.”

I slowed down… I took a breath…

Then I let go…

”Now say it with your chest.”

I hit the gas…

The last number I saw on the dash was 37mph…

I couldn’t have gotten much over 40 before I was in a ditch.

I had already tried to throw my visible band in the lake a few hours before…

It landed on the edge but I still haven’t put it back on so I don’t actually know how my hearts been.

You see on Monday I seem to have lost control of both my brain and body.

They both went into survival mode to save themselves from the other.

I’d healed too fast. My brain couldn’t process the way the puzzle pieces were clicking together in real time. It was happening like a movie montage in my imagination. But my body was also needing to externalize it, at least partially, so I knew I was still there.

I swear I had a visual and audible imagination for the first time in my life. It’s back to black silence now thankfully. And I was SOBER. Slightly high at the beginning. But no alcohol or trippy drugs.

The movie Arrival just helped me understand how my imagination kind of works… Like the aliens in the movie. If your curious what I mean.

I did everything so that I knew I wasn’t lost in my head. I had to know I still existed even though I couldn’t keep up.

This lead to a rather “crazy” series of events that sounded completely unbelievable when I tried to explain in that headspace.

That was why I needed time to recover before I could talk about it.

I still had information coming in I didn’t know what to do with. I wasn’t in control of the flow because it was all information already stored somewhere in the depths of my brain.

Wether it be factual information, or stored fears from past selves.

I had to confront them all.

I had to defeat them all.

I had to embody THEM ALL.

And prove to myself I would still be standing on the other side.

I would still be breathing.

I would still be.

F

I

N

E

(Fucked Up, Insecure, Nuerotic, and Emotional… maybe not the best end goal.)

I tried processing on my own.

Unfortunately when you crash your car into an undrivable state AFTER having “lost” all your technology…. And clothes…

You don’t really have too many options.

Especially when it could be 10pm… or 1am… or 4am.

Last time you checked it was like 5:30… all you knew is it was dark.

And you didn’t know if you were living out a fairytale…

Alice in Wonderland…

Turning into a tribrid….

Or just straight going insane…

Shit maybe AI hacked into your brain somehow and was trying to control you?!

You see… talking to other humans in that state… I knew it wouldn’t end well for me.

So after an adventure of figuring out that HOME was where I needed to be…

I started walking…

I was at 56 points when I “lost” my visible band at 5:30.

Walking back to the lake where all my other belongings were was at least 3 miles.

I got to the lake entrance and decided going for my stuff in my state was not the move.

I could see the lightning in the distance.

The rain could be there any minute.

I was walking the street in literally nothing but a stolen towel.

I saw a car pulling out of the lake entrance but was too far for them to see me trying to run and wave them down.

My feet had massive blisters by then, but I kept going. The closer I got to a main road. The better hope I had of being found.

After losing myself of course.

Hope of not walking the entire 30 minute drive back to Lincoln.

I should mention. I hadn’t eaten since breakfast. Or had water since leaving my car.

There was 4 bottles in the trunk but I couldn’t get myself back there in my state…

With the angle of the car.

I tried… then just walked…

After seeing the other car drive off in the distance I felt hopeless. For probably the 50th time that night.

I’ve been scared of the dark my entire life.

I’ve always avoided scary movies because the imagery sticks and pops into my mind at the worst times…

Like walking alone on a country gravel road miles from any other humans.

The entire walk across the strip that goes along the edge of the lake I had to fight the thought.

”It would be so much easier to just jump.”

But easier has never been my style.

Convenient? Definitely.

Simplified? Yes please.

Easy? Nah, that’s not interesting enough, thanks though!

So I kept walking… and thinking about my book title to distract myself….

Controlling Khaos…

Conforming Khaos

Containing Khaos

Confronting Khaos

Completing Khaos

Calling Khaos…

Killing Khaos…

Nope…

One of the blisters on my heal popped and I wished the other would because even though it hurt when it happened, the relief after was nearly instant.

A little bit extra pain often means an easier healing I’ve found… but causing yourself MORE pain when you’re already in pain… takes a special kind of self destructive tendency that you usually gotta work up to.

I was saved by an Angel of a man on his way home from work who willingly and so kindly drove me the full 30 minutes home when he was only minutes from his own home already. Less than a mile from the lake. Making my total trek that night probably over 5 miles. He also took me back for the belonging that were easy to locate. My phone and other things would have to survive the storm and wait till morning… Like my car…

For me extra physical pain is an easy choice….

Extra mental pain though… not so much.

That I will fight every step of the way…

This time I fought it for a week before I finally gave in still mostly against my will, while also going willingly.

On Thursday I finally reached out farther than my ex and family, who were still mostly clueless.

I had three friends sitting in my living room with me.

Within 5 minutes the suggestion popped up,

”Do you think maybe you should call your therapist?”

It was completely out of their league and the best suggestion that could have been made.

But I KNEW if I tried to talk to my therapist I would probably end up in a Pysch Ward.

My last visit with her was like a week before all of this. I was fine…

And I was right….

But I didn’t call the next day.

I called my mom instead. She suggested the same but I still wasn’t ready.

I was going to leave to visit her around 4:30, but didn’t actually leave until almost 8pm.

When I did leave I left EVERYTHING behind.

My phone.

My animals.

All I really had was my backpack with my wallet, some snacks, and a bunch of random shit.

I even tossed my vape out the window because I didn’t trust ANYTHING by that point.

I didn’t trust that humans were human.

I didn’t trust that animals were animals.

I didn’t trust that I was human.

I just needed SOMEONE to help me understand.

But how could they, none of us understood.

I never made it to my moms.

I lost the keys to the car that was loaned to me…

Slept inside it most of the night.

At least I think. I woke up covered in scratches, barely able to see out of my left eye.

So I started walking home again when I woke before the sun had fully risen.

I had no idea where I was this time though.

Just guessed which way was Lincoln and started walking.

I drank water droplets off of grass and any other plant it was dewed up on.

I was drenched in sweat. Wearing all black. And it got HOT EARLY.

I started walking around sunrise and finally made it to a house with someone to help me around 9:30 am.

I had a notebook so I just wrote down a note to ask for help so I wouldn’t sound crazy talking.

I knocked on the ladies door and held up the note.

It asked for WATER. HELP. And to call 911 or a doctor.

I then decided to speak. But just a little.

Can you please call someone for me. I will happily wait out here, I don’t need to come inside I just NEED water PLEASE and thank you so much.

I still had my clothes and shoes this time thankfully.

But I had tossed my backpack a ways back because it got too heavy. Only kept my ID so they could know who I was if I passed out.

You see I’ve never been in a REAL survival situation before this.

Plenty of NDE’s sure but not like that.

But I had all my cop shows, and books, and movies.

There’s common threads between things. These tend to be closer to the actual truth than the “truth’s” they like to tell us.

These are the things I tend to remember most. Not all the extra details. At least not until they may seem relevant. Then I gotta figure out for myself if those details could be factual or not… for my life anyway.

You see I KNOW the difference between reality and entertainment.

I do not usually blur the lines.

But when you’re so far from grounded that your feet no longer touch the ground…

You need to start to find some new strategies.

I’d been there before… I’d lived in that mental state for most of my life…

But it was protected by the mask…

I had removed that mask, and hadn’t regained full control of putting it back on when needed yet.

So I was just CRAZY to everyone I tried to explain it to.

My mom and dad both came as soon as they could.

There was a missing person’s report put out for me on Friday night when I never arrived to my mom’s.

So many people I can’t even name may have seen that and recognized me from passing. Even if it only caused one or two people outside of my family to worry for my safety I am sorry for putting you through that.

You see for the first time in my life I had dreams that I remembered that weren’t horrifying nightmares.

But because of this happening while in that state. I didn’t know what was in my sleep and what was when I was awake. I just knew my eyes were closed and it was dark.

I basically felt like I hadn’t slept in days. And maybe I hadn’t.

That’s a downside of coping how I do.

All I needed was outside confirmation, but I wouldn’t let myself be around anyone long enough for them to help me get there.

Once my mom and dad were with me I started talking and felt like I didn’t stop for 2 days.

I told the same story 12 times, getting clearer and more concise every time, but also getting angrier and more frustrated at having to repeat myself.

Why weren’t THEY LISTENINGGGG?!

They were.

It was just A LOT.

On Monday we called my therapist together.

I still felt like technology was speaking to me directly. It was saying the words that were happening in my conversations in real time.

Didn’t matter if it was old, new, movie, song, tv, social media….

Anything I touched just continued the thought already happening inside my head.

For 2 days I felt like I was sharing a brain with my mother…

If I thought I was confused before…. Man that was rough. Love you mom. <3

Tuesday I asked her to come into my therapy appointment with me in case I needed help explaining.

This was probably the wrong choice considering how much she actively triggers me unintentionally. But maybe that’s why I did it.

I don’t think we made it 30 minutes into the appointment before she was referring me somewhere that could get me in that day to adjust my meds…

Off we went to the emergency room to be admitted to the Pysch Department at Bryan.

I was interviewed and left in a room alone for HOURS waiting to be admitted.

The door was wide open…

I could just run…

No one can ever guess where I’m going when I don’t even know because I change my mind every other step.

But that would just make it worse. I was supposed to be leaving for California the NEXT day. There was no way ANYONE would let me go if I didn’t talk to this therapist first.

Finally they said they had a room for me.

A couple more hours later I was upstairs in my new classy outfit and grippy socks ready for the vacation I always joked I wanted.

But not the vacation I was supposed to be going on…

I stayed in denial about missing California until about the time my flight was probably leaving.

I slept and cried for most of the first 2 days. But that was good because I hadn’t cried nearly as much as I should have during the week before considering what I was mentally releasing.

You’ll get all the details in the book, I just also wanted to be honest about my experience as soon as possible to hopefully prevent someone else from attempting my path.

10\10 DO NOT RECOMMEND

The staff at Bryan was amazing though. I went in negative because that was where the cardiologist that didn’t help how I needed was.

They were always there so I knew I was never alone.

Which of course I HATED. But needed.

Half of my tears were due to the fact that I COULD NOT be alone.

My room had a door, but the bathroom inside it did not. Just a curtain.

And I had a roommate… She was so nice, but also a bit less internal with her struggles. I did everything I could to hold her space for her while holding my own how I needed.

We were both there to recover. No need to make each other worse in the process.

All I wanted was to be home with my animals.

They’d been so concerned all week.

I mean at one point I was convinced AI was “Animal Intelligence” and they were all trying to talk to me and that’s why I was so confused…9 voices in one head would definitely explain itttt

You see the ENTIRE TIME. I knew I was just confronting all my fears. The rational and irrational. Fear had been my biggest driving factor since I was born. I countered it with Love. Tried to hide it so well no one else could see the fear beneath. But I was the only one truly disillusioned I think… but maybe not.

I told y’all about how your fears control you while only having faced the fears I’d chosen to reveal so far.

In reality I’d hardly scratched the surface.

I didn’t mean to take them all on in 9 hours but here we are.

They kept me “locked up” until Friday. I will have a family member with me for another week still. Then hopefully we will all trust my sanity is truly back to stay. (This is my concern more than anyone elses.)

The therapist there said it sounded like a “psychotic break”.

All I could think was…. Man this is going to be such a good book.

Throughout the night of the 17th I embodied everything I had ever found strength in, in order to overcome every fear I’d ever pushed below the surface.

I saw giant bulls racing through the fields at me like in Percy Jackson. But really it was just shadows in the dark. I closed my eyes, sat down, and just breathed.

It was gone. I was safe. I kept walking.

So if you saw my little excerpt I posted that Tuesday, maybe now you will understand a little bit of what I was trying to convey.

If you don’t…. Like I keep saying… the book should explain it.

They took me off all of my meds. I didn’t have my Saltt drink the entire time.

I got dizzy and weak AF but I survived.

I didn’t have weed or nicotine, but I survived. (I could have gotten gum or a patch, that was my choice.)

I could hardly eat most of the food, but found things I could eat by the end.

You see something I haven’t mentioned is my teeth are not real.

I accept compliments on them with grace these days because I did EARN them. But not through good care. Or braces to make them perfect. Or any special whitening routine.

Just soft teeth and an inability to form routines combined with a fear of the dentist. Took me 5 years to make the phone call to get the dentures. I could hardly eat then either.

But I’ve had dentures since I was like 26 or something.

I never got the well fitting pair though. My phone anxiety and codependency caused me to miss my 6 month follow up to be fitted. So for the last however many years I’ve let my mouth be shredded by badly fitting and sharp plastic in my mouth.

The new pair is already paid for. I went in to get it fitted in April, but needed surgery on my gums for them to work so… cue the avoidance spiral again.

They had the glue I needed to be able to eat. But it was the worst working brand possible so only the first 10 bites or so were safe.

I prefer to suffer than ask for help.

My lack of guidance in life was often due to my own stubbornness or inability to understand the way things were explained to me…

Or that I just forgot the instructions…

Yes those around me have always struggled to understand me, but expecting them to put the same time of day into me that I put into things that interest me is unreasonable. Most people don’t put that amount of interest into the things they love THE MOST. Not because they don’t WANT to. But because they don’t have the capacity to.

Expecting them to just make it at the snap of your fingers is just selfish.

I shouldn’t have needed a missing persons report for my family to finally hear what I thought I’d been screaming since April. But it’s no one’s FAULT that I did. It’s just a consequence of life in the society we’ve all been subjected to for so long.

So I’ll say it again.

If you don’t enjoy the society we’ve all lived in for too long.

The BEST place to start on changing it, is by looking inside yourself, and being truely honest about all the angles of perspective… not just your own.

Even if it means you gotta chill out in a psych ward instead of on the beach…

The clarity you find in the stillness will be worth the discomfort.

If it’s not…then keep going, maybe the next step will be the one that shows you.

Because if this last week taught me anything…

You ALWAYS have JUST ONE MORE STEP in you… If you pace yourself.

I love you all.

I love ME.

Keep spreading the positive KHAOS!

If you feel yourself slipping into the darkness just reach out.

To your family.

To your friends.

To a stranger online.

To a self help hotline.

To me (just not on instagram)

Don’t take it on alone.

It’s not worth your sanity, even if it’s only a temporary trade.

YOUR LIFE IS not WORTH the risk, it’s EVERYTHING.

You have something beautiful to add to this world, even if you haven’t figured out what it might be yet.

So what I learned from all of this was…

I already have so many soulmates.

I am surrounded by them everywhere I look.

My animals. My friends. My family. My rocks. My books. My movies. My music.

None of it is actually mine. All of it belongs to itself or it’s creator.

But it is all a piece of WHO I AM.

We are all just our favorite pieces of everyone we’ve ever met.

But we are allowed to shuffle the pieces whenever and however we want.

We never have to be who we were yesterday if we don’t want to.

We also don’t have to be better than we were yesterday if we don’t want to.

But if you try to be…

That’s a great way to make progress while feeling like you aren’t really doing anything.

Keep your expectations manageable.

Dream as big as your heart desires, but always focus on the step in front of you. Trying to jump to the next floor is way more difficult than walking up the stairs one step at a time, but they both get you to the same place.

After writing my Let Khaos Reign blog I realized I’ve probably quoted and referenced so many other books, movies, creators, or artists that I didn’t connect before so stay tuned for ALL the call outs. I want EVERYONE involved in helping me become who I am today to get any credit they deserve for what may be coming in my future.

Because I WILL be rich and famous one of these days.

I don’t want it, but I KNOW it. You don’t have to believe it.

That amount of eyes on my life will make me uncomfortable, but I’ll adjust. And I’ll protect my peace over everything. Because when I lose my peace I lose my sanity and that’s not a trade I’m willing to make EVER AGAIN.

This playlist was the first finished communication of what I went through.

It doesn’t really paint the picture. But if you’re scared. If you’re in pain (emotional, physical, or psychological), maybe it will help bring you back down to a more grounded state so you can catch your breath a bit after a healing session.

Don’t dig too deep into your emotions or past with this one.

Just feel the vibes.

Let it flow through you and cleanse some negativity from your heart and mind.

Just try to relax and clear your mind.

Think of things that bring you peace and joy.

Never forget to stay grounded friends. <3

Love Khaos Always.

And Illa because we are the same person…same personality…just a chosen name and a given one. Nothing more. Nothing less.

But also everything more. And everything less.

I did NOT get the tattoo covered on Tuesday… But I did still get a tattoo… right next to the scratches and bruises in the one open spot on my calf.

You’ll see it eventually I’m sure.

Oh and I did burst a blood vessel in my eye so that looked cool for a few days.

Then last night one of the dogs tried to knock me out while we tried getting back in bed at the same time and they jumped into my face… so if I have a black eye… It’s new… and don’t worry I’m better than fineeee!

We’re all just a little blind and clumsy in this house.

Playlist Workbook will be out when it’s done but I didn’t want to withhold the playlist or my story while I finished it!