***11) Seeking Sovereignty

There’s days I wish I could go back.

Back to hiding from my emotions. Back to being controlled and not having to be responsible for my own state.

Today is definitely one of those days.

I’m not going to lie to you, this journey gets lonelier for me every day.

I’ve released so much while holding onto hope.

Unfortunately, even with all my talk about filling your own cup and saving yourself there was still a tiny glimmer of hope that someone, somewhere would save me.

Instead of taking my own advice and truly believing in myself I fell back into my oldest escape.

Every person I meet I see myself in and maybe that’s what this is all trying to teach me.

To stop trying to find myself in everyone and to just accept them as they are.

But I don’t want to stop. I don’t want to let go of the hope that there is someone out there who will truly see and understand me fully to the depths I’ve always been scared to show.

Someone that will want to know every part of me and won’t turn away scared or intimidated by what it brings up inside themselves.

Someone who won’t try to dim my light if I outshine them.

There’s plenty of options out there. I post one video and get so many messages hitting on me or trying to start a conversation.

But not a single one of them put in any effort to get to know me or learn anything about me on their own even though I’ve put all of myself into these blogs. They just liked what they saw.

I’m not here to try and look pretty or be attractive. I’m just trying to exist as me.

I’ve spent a lot of my life trying to hide from being SEEN because I wanted to FEEL seen.

Yet no matter how much I try to show my true self, all that’s ever truly seen is what’s on the outside, or what I have to offer someone externally. Or realistically what they project onto me.

I got my hopes up wanting the unattainable again.

I should have known better after my 3rd blog. I did know better.

But I wanted to hold onto that hope SO BADLY I convinced myself that little voice was just negativity that I had to fight back. I wouldn’t let myself believe it was my discernment trying to warn me. I just needed to be SURE about it and it would happen.

That dream I’d been dreaming since childhood.

I don’t know if I can anymore though.

The more I embrace myself the more alone I feel.

No one understands because no one around me has been willing to attempt this journey. I’m farther along it than anyone I have access to. I don’t know how to help myself other than to just keep figuring it the fuck out.

I exploded my entire life trying to make it fit, and now I’m just left wondering what the point was.

Everything I did has gotten me out of everything I thought no longer fit me. But the emptiness persists.

I’m surrounded by abundance and daily blessings.

While reminded constantly that humans are social creatures.

But when I’m social I feel lonelier than ever.

At least before I could talk to people even if it wasn’t ME talking.

Now I don’t even know what to say to my best friends anymore.

I can’t force them to choose healing.

But watching them put themselves through the same cycles is internal torture.

I can see how to help them, but also FEEL that saying it would push them farther away.

They also don’t know what to say to me because I told them everything from the start.

They knew about the secret in the back of my mind. I felt safe sharing it with them. They love and believe in me so much they wanted it to be true for me as much as I did.

In January I ordered a new cup from Juggy cause they always have great designs I like.

Limited Edition… Thirst For Chaos… It looked like it was made for me.

When it finally arrived in May it came in a Yungblud box…

I didn’t know who that was. I’d heard of him but hadn’t listened to him, figured I should give him a chance since I had his cup. The Funeral has me from the start but I wasn’t convinced by other songs so I put it out of my head and just enjoyed my cup.

Then I saw he’d been in Lincoln recently at a restaurant upstairs from where my bar used to be, and added a show near the end of his tour to Council Bluffs. Cool, good for him.

In early June when I was deep in the throes of some shadow work he popped back up. I had just picked a random song in the morning and let it play all day. His song, I was made for loving you came on and it caught my attention. I don’t know if it aligned with what I was thinking when it happened or what but I know I turned around in my chair and just watched. I could go to his concert, I thought… but no I don’t even like him, 2 songs aren’t worth getting tickets and putting myself through the pain concerts always bring.

About an hour later Hello, Heaven, Hello came on…

What was going on? I’ve entered this name in my search like twice ever and now he’s come into my playlist of unrelated music twice in a night while I’m working with my guides…

And that video…

It’s everything my little 15 year old self couldn’t daydream of as perfection. If I could conjure images in my head… that opening scene would have been where I escaped to for most of my life.

I got the tickets and listened to more of his songs.

I tried to keep my focus on myself and what I wanted. But his music got to me. The more I listened to what he was saying the more I heard my own pain. The more I understood myself.

I let the wires get twisted. I felt seen when instead I was just finally seeing myself.

I grasped too every little thing that could possibly count as confirmation. I let my discernment get confused by the giddy little kid inside me that dreamed of living a life in the music industry.

The one that used to dream of being seen in the crowd by her favorite singer.

You know in the movies when they see you across the room and just know. I always dreamed that could happen for me. But how can that happen when they don’t even know who the fuck I am.

Anytime I felt the negativity creeping in I could put on his music and feel better in a few songs.

I don’t know how to help myself today though because now his music just reminds me of the bandaid I was using to hide from the gaping wound that’s always been my heart.

I am still going to live my dream life working with music and making my EPP’s.

I’m still going to do everything I’ve been working towards because it is still everything I want.

But I’m done thinking I can save him, just because I know how “happily” unhappy you can be in a relationship. It was just me projecting my own life onto what I saw. Even if he is unhappy in his relationship, or you are, no one else is coming to save you. You have to see where it’s not working for yourself and take the steps to fix it.

No one’s just going to pick me out of a crowd and say, “This one! She’s special. I’m going to make her life easier now.”

Someday hopefully someone will align with me and be meant for me.

But they won’t show up holding the answers to all my problems.

They’ll show up and just let me exist fully while they exist fully and we’ll figure out how to exist as ourselves together.

But first I need to figure out how to exist fully as myself without waiting to be saved.

To do that I need to let go of my hope that some celebrity is going to notice my work and help me. I know the steps to take. I can’t just hop on an express train to fame and fortune.

I don’t even want that.

Yes, I want enough money to help change the world.

Yes, I want to be seen so people can hear my story. See how I worked through things, and maybe learn how to work through their own things in the process.

My purpose is to heal myself and in doing that hopefully help to heal the world.

Sure, an already established celebrity choosing me and helping raise me to their visibility level would be helpful. But I don’t NEED that, I can figure out how to get there on my own.

Without doing anything for any reason other than what’s best for myself.

I wrote about my cycle of wanting the unattainable while actively spiraling back into it.

It helped me get through everything I needed to get through. I won't lie about that.

It gave me something to prepare for.

A goal to reach.

Something to look forward to that would show myself, look see you really are special.

But why can’t I just believe that on my own?

EVERYTHING I’ve done these last 4 months to get to where I am now has been on my own.

I have my higher self and my guides, but even those relationships can be projected onto.

Just because I had external motivation does not take away from what I’ve accomplished.

I just need to make myself see and believe it.

So I guess now we just put our head down and focus COMPLETELY on sovereignty.

Nothing else matters now.

I thought I’d achieved it but going to his show and KNOWING when he came on stage that it was just going to be like every other concert I’d been to was soul crushing.

That wouldn’t be possible if I were truly sovereign already. Sure I’d be sad and still have to work through it, but I wouldn’t feel like all my dreams were crumbling around me because I didn’t get noticed.

I’ve made it too far. I tried hiding from this sadness like I used to but I can’t do that anymore. I have no choice but to sit in it and work through it. I’ve caused myself pain for too long.

Knowing I caused this too just makes me that much more sure THAT I NEVER WANT TO DO THIS AGAIN.

I don’t say any of this to discourage you from the healing journey.

But through it all so far I have not felt this hopelessness that I used to be so familiar with until now.

I needed to share the struggle so you can see the recovery that’s coming after.

I needed to show I’m not perfect at healing.

I can’t just magically transmute a shitty situation into a positive one with the snap of my fingers.

It takes buckets of tears, pain, internal turmoil, and a whole lot of HOPE.

I don’t know if I could have done everything I’ve done these last 3 months without that hope that he gave me, but I know I can do THIS now.

I can continue on this path I’m creating for myself and make it into my perfect dream life.

Every single layer of your past self that must be shed FUCKING HURTS.

It’s not easy.

It’s not fun.

But it’s necessary for clarity and sovereignty.

It’s necessary to continue growing into yourself.

The only way out is through.

We got this.

EVERY DAY is the FIRST DAY of the REST OF YOUR LIFE.

Make it count.

Love Always,

Khaos