6) Un-Masking: I figured it out!!

Alright guys I think I figured it out.

EVERYONE has a mask. Not just neurodivergent.

That’s why it’s such a confusing topic.

THIS society created an ever looming fear of being ourselves. You get in trouble for being human at work. You show too much emotion, or not enough, and are treated like a pariah.

It has forced everyone to wake up every day and put on this mask of what the world expects to see today.

I have not fully completed the process myself but I’m well on my way and will be fully unmasked when I need to be. I just couldn’t wait to share what I’ve figured out so you could all join me on the journey to being PROUDLY ourselves.

I promise there’s no paywall or winding journey to no information.

It is all in THIS BLOG POST.

Maybe a little winding journey I do have Adhd…

If you are new here, Hello! I am Khaos and I’ve been working on “healing” myself after failing to find sufficient help from doctors so far over the last year and a half.

If you would like to start at the beginning of this story I will link it at the end!

So I hate to break it to you, but this process is not easy.

You will need to let go of a lot in your life. But I’m confident that the reward for you will be SO fulfilling, no matter how it turns out honestly. You’ll be building a new foundation that can’t be rattled by anything externally.

 Now bear with me for this because unfortunately everyone has been telling us the way our whole lives.

“Love Yourself First”

“Just be yourself.”

Yet then society turned around and told us we were wrong for doing that.

Everything has always felt backwards because it is. It’s not just the heroes that write the story… It’s the ones who will do anything at any cost to be at the top. It’s the ones who want to control the narrative. So the secret to everything is hidden right in front of us, and then they keep us distracted.

If you’re religious you’re usually taught to seek forgiveness…

This is absolutely true. But you don’t just need forgiveness from God, or Spirit, or whatever you believe. You also need forgiveness from YOURSELF most importantly.

These parts of you that you hide because you’re ashamed of them…

Where did that shame come from? Was it truly from yourself, or is it someone else’s view or reaction that you adjusted yourself because of.

Let it go. It’s not your shame to carry anymore.

Forgive yourself for holding every little piece of WHO YOU ARE back bit by bit throughout your life. It was self betrayal before any of the external betrayals that followed ever had the chance to form.

It’s a hard nugget to swallow that we are in control of our life.

It may have felt like we were stuck between a rock and hard place and that our ONLY OPTION was the path we took. But there is ALWAYS another option… you just have to be willing to risk the consequences.

You have to be willing to take the leap of faith to have your own back ALWAYS and not need ANY external validation.

If you look closely I bet your life has already taught you this, and if it hasn’t maybe taking some personal responsibility is exactly what you need to start changing things.

This means you have to go back to the moments that made you feel small.

That made you want to hide.

You need to forgive yourself for feeling how you felt and making the choices you made. You did the best you knew at the time. You were just trying to protect yourself. You were just trying to survive this scary world.

But you see, that's how they “control” us.

Everywhere you turn there’s something TERRIFYING to think about.

Especially if you aren’t “a heterosexual neurotypical”.

If we are constantly living from a place of fear and lack, that is what our external world will always reflect back to us.

They don’t want you to heal.

They don’t want you to unmask.

Because when you do you will realize your life doesn’t fit.

That’s why you’re burnt out, depressed, exhausted, or even chronically ill.

You have spent the last HOWEVER MANY YEARS squeezing yourself into these boxes that you were never supposed to fit into.

I used to feel like I was battling a WAR inside my head EVERY SINGLE DAY.

Since I was a CHILD.

As the pieces of my brain puzzle started to click together and I learned of ADHD and then Autism, I started treating myself differently.

If I felt uncomfortable I tried to fix it instead of only worrying if everyone else was comfortable.

If I felt overstimulated I removed the stimulation instead of powering through.

I started doing basically the opposite of everything I had learned to do to survive.

And you know what happened?

It felt like the war moved outside of my head.

Instead of a never ending internal battle I was now fighting with the world to just try and exist comfortably.

Bartending made the spiral into a life of drugs and partying to hide from the discomfort all too easy. There were people around me CONSTANTLY. I felt like I was going to explode if I couldn’t just be ALONE to exist.

LUCKILY for me I used drugs and alcohol to cope with the PEOPLE more than anything. I did not actually want the substances so I wouldn’t call it addiction.

I just wanted relief from my feelings, which is ironic, because I started out with a rule to never drink because of my “feelings” so it wouldn’t become a crutch.

I didn’t count discomfort as a feeling I guess.

Which makes sense. I’m still learning all my feelings honestly. I’ve suppressed them for so much of my life I feel like a child learning from scratch now.

So in December ‘22 I went “GREEN” as I like to say. In the last 3.5 years I’ve drank on less than 10 occasions, never more than 1 or 2. It’s almost been a year since the last though as I’ve worked to truly and radically unmask my whole life.  And absolutely NO DRUGS other than the natural green one that quiets my pain and racing mind. #EverywhereNeedsToLegalizeAlreadySoItCanBeMedicine

I lost most of my “friends” just doing that. I didn’t want to hang out with them sober, and quite frankly they didn’t want to hang out with me either. Others drifted for a little but came back when they were ready.

The ones that made it through that I thought were the ones that would stick through anything. But that’s not how life works.

Now that I’ve made significant progress adjusting my life to fit who I’ve always been inside and not who I thought I was supposed to be, I felt like I hit a wall.

I was doing these things. I was making the changes. Why did I still feel masked? Why did I still feel restricted to exist?

How did I get unstuck?! It’s been months!

I was just getting through the days and staring blankly out the window in my down time.

I thought I wasn’t getting anywhere. I couldn’t even get myself to do the things I loved. I thought depression was hitting again and the burnout was getting worse even though I was doing less.

Why couldn’t I find the motivation for anything but BEAR MINIMUM EXISTENCE?

After my official Autism diagnosis in March my “existing” continued for a few more weeks.

I felt like precious time was slipping by, and I was wasting it. But slowly I started to notice my body feeling better. I wasn’t being unproductive, I was resting. I had been in fight or flight for over 20 years and I had finally given myself somewhere I felt safe.

I was healing… and I wasn’t even DOING anything.

My brain started to work a little more reliably. I started to have ideas and inspiration again.

I didn’t realize these had gone since I was still managing the bars well. Creating events, making social media posts and promos. I HAD felt like my creativity was better than ever.

But it was honestly just a drop in the bucket. It was just the trickle I had access to living in zombie mode. Now I have a whole new spectrum of colors to work with.

A few months after I finally finished reading “When The Body Says No” is when things really started to click. It needed time to soak in.

I realized even though I had been doing everything right on the outside…

I was still avoiding and suppressing my feelings.

I have never been more scared in my life than I was after that realization.

The author suggests that the people who were most successful in “beating” whatever health issue they had, were the ones who tackled the issue from 3 angles.

Mentally, with therapy and self care type things.

Physically, with the doctor's help, doing what they could for their body.

And, spiritually…

Anytime I’ve been asked if I was religious before this year I would just say, “I believe in god backwards.”

Some people got it and looked at me like I was dumb.

Some people laughed.

Others didn’t get it at all and it wasn’t worth explaining. (DOG)

My interest has been piqued by different religions at different points in my life, but I had always ended up turning away from them. I couldn’t quite grasp why it was so helpful to people.

So I needed to find a new religion. I’d always been drawn to the gods and goddesses of other societies. Greek, Roman, Norse, and all the other little ones that got drowned out over time by the big 5.

I liked the concept that things existed if you truly believed in them.

Every year I still talk with Santa at Christmas, and I’m sure I still will at 80.

I guess he was REALLY my first spirit guide.

Anyway, I turned to witchcraft, the thing I had always wanted to know more about but felt like I couldn’t. My parents were always into tarot, astrology, and hippie things and I had rebelled as far as possible from that image.

But the time had come for me to reclaim it…

Not because I wanted to cast spells to change my life.

But because I needed something larger than myself to believe in.

I was drawn to Lilith first. I did my research. I asked permission to work with her.

She LEFT by choice, because she knew she wouldn’t be accepted as HERSELF. So she made her own way.

Then I found Hecate, mother of witchcraft, and she helped me connect more with nature and ground myself.

Then I found Kali. And with the help of the dark mothers, I finally felt ready to confront my shadow and mommy issues.

I still wasn’t fully sure what I was doing.

I was just playing with salt, herbs, crystals, tarot cards, and candles, and asking for guidance.

I just asked them to walk with me on the path to my highest self.

To help show me the way. Illuminate what needed to be illuminated.

I still felt like I wasn’t getting anywhere.

But I WAS living my life a little bit more intentionally now.

I had promised them that I would do my part to get me there if they would just help guide me.

So I felt like I HAD to give it my all, or else why would they deem me sufficient to be assisted?

Why was I special? Why did I deserve help and guidance when so many others are lost and wandering?

Every spare second I had was going into researching what different things did for the “craft”.

I went full hyperfocus on it.

What I didn’t realize I was doing, was loving myself.

Pouring into my own cup.

Prioritizing myself.

That magic wasn’t magic at all.

It had just tricked me into doing what I had truly needed all along.

TO DO WHATEVER I WANTED AND NOT WORRY ABOUT ANYONE ELSE.

It was getting me outside walking in the grass in my bare feet.

I got a pendant and found an external way to communicate with my body.

I started saying my new best friend was a ROCK, and I freaking meant it.

You don’t need religion to do this.

You don’t need witchcraft.

You don’t even need to believe in anything larger than you.

You just need to believe in yourself and put the work in.

Not who society has turned you into now.

The you that’s hiding somewhere inside just waiting to come out and SHINE the light they were always meant to shine.

Just because people shy away from the light doesn’t mean it’s bad.

It just means THEY can’t handle the brilliance.

And that’s their problem NOT YOURS.

EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US HAS A PURPOSE.

Even the ant you didn’t know you stepped on last week.

When we hide ourselves, we hold ourselves back from our purpose. We get stuck living in these endless cycles that get worse and worse until we finally learn the lesson.

So even if you think you love your life now.

Take a moment. A week. A Year.

And ask yourself these questions…

“What is not in balance?”

“What is my body saying no to?”

“What causes me distress and discomfort?”

“What gives me anxiety?”

And then when you find things that “trigger” these things take some time to yourself.

Go sit in nature. Or get a plant. Or hug your pet. Or whatever you figure out grounds you.

Then take a few deep breaths and ask…

“When was the first time I felt like this?”

And keep going until you get all the way back to the very first time.

It’s going to HURT. A LOT. But you know what it’s going to hurt less than?

Continuing the cycle and living a life that isn’t yours.

Now when you go back to the start… knowing what you now know about life, is there another option than the route you took that you’re able to see now?

It might look scary and unknown, but the known path is pain… the other one could be worse, sure.

But what if it’s not?

What if it’s your heaven on earth…

You see that’s what I figured out. They tell us just enough of the truth to hook us, then lace it with just enough fear to keep you from testing it.

The rapture happens and everyone “good” is pulled up the heavens, and everyone else is left to burn on earth. Or whatever it says.

You die and then you go to heaven.

But what happens if you die while you’re still living?

What happens if you kill everything you were never meant to be?

You get to choose the life you live.

Every Day.

Every Choice.

It all matters, and you’re in control of it all.

Now I’m not saying any of this is your FAULT.

Remember what I said at the beginning of this. You need to forgive yourself.

Forgive yourself for the choices you made when you didn’t know better. So you can be free to make a different choice now instead of staying trapped in the trauma response cycle forever.

Try to think about what you needed in that moment, and give it to yourself now.

People will only take care of us as much as we take care of ourselves. We need to be setting better examples if we want them to understand how we should be treated.

And the next time you start to feel this way because of life, take a breath.

Remember this moment and the other options.

Pick a new path and watch your world start to change.

It’s small at first, you could miss it if you don’t pay attention.

My bartenders caught onto my anger finally showing before I did, but they were HERE FOR IT. And I love and appreciate them so much for that.

You can change your life anywhere with all the limitations. You just need to shift your perspective first.

You know that task you avoided for 3 months that just sat at the back of your mind. You know how when you FINALLY accomplished that task it wasn’t nearly as bad as you had built it up to be? And how the sense of relief that it’s now off your shoulders is almost FLOODING…

Yeah its like that BUT FOR YOUR LIFE.

You are trapped in the prison of this life you built. But you have the key and it’s never too late to admit you were wrong. It’s never shameful to choose what’s best for yourself.

This life taught me you can’t rely on ANYONE to put you back together except yourself. You might find some people to lean on or hold your hand. But your responsible for yourself, so why are you wasting your time waiting for someone else to save you?

You just gotta get up, unlock the door, and go discover YOUR BRAND NEW WORLD.

Be your own HERO. You got this.

Let’s spread some positive Khaos around the world, by radically accepting and supporting yourself and everyone around you in WHOEVER they choose to be now.

Enough with the comparisons, judgement, and general negativity. Let’s fight back with the opposite.

Love. Acceptance. Abundance.

It all starts internally and then gets reflected back to us.

Follow along if you need an example as I’m just getting started really.

I hope this helps even just 1 person.

Feel free to reach out if you have any questions or feel alone! This process feels a little like retraumatizing yourself when you first start. But with each shadow you bring to the light you will FEEL the lightness in your body.

If you're brave.

If you're ready for a new life.

One that’s aligned to WHO YOU ARE.

You’ll take the risk and keep going.

A little bit of pain today releases you from years upon years of cycles, that probably started long before your parents were even born.

It’s time to break them.

Let make this life WHAT WE NEED.

I’m done living for everyone else.

I’ll always be here for anyone who needs a shoulder or helping hand.

All I want is to help the world.

But we need to fill OUR CUP FIRST, before we worry about ANYONE else.

Because the love that flows after that is boundless.

Don’t let anyone convince you it’s selfish to TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.

Be the person you’ve always needed… for yourself.

Remember this:

JUST LET THEM.

And BE YOU.

Love,

Khaos

Click Here to go back to the beginning of my healing journey.

Once you make it to the bottom of that post you can click the story on the left side of the page to continue in order!

If you go to the right you can learn about some of my health diagnosis.

OR you can click LEARN MORE, at the top of the page, to start where ever you’re heart desires. (Or the 3 lines in the corner if your on mobile.)

I’m working on being an open book. You’re not alone in this. I’m right there with you. <3