7) Welcome to my villain era?
I’ve always tried to be what you needed from me, and along the way forgot who I am. I’m sorry for getting cold, and for pushing you away. It just feels like I’m falling and nobody’s there. - See What’s On The Inside - Asking Alexandria
If you’re new here, Hi I’m Khaos! Welcome to my healing journey, where I try to heal myself and will hopefully ask you some questions to help trigger some healing of your own because we all have a lot to heal from the world around us.
If this is the first blog of mine you’re reading I encourage you to start at the beginning for the best picture/lessons I make sure to number the blogs involved in the storyline of my life.. I do understand it’s a lot of words though and could be overwhelming to some so if that's the case the order of importance/story relevance goes as follows
4) Back to the beginning - Most Important for story line
6) I figured it out! - Most important for healing
2) Removing the mask - Storyline
3) I didn’t know until I was 33 - Healing and background info
1) Join me on my healing out loud journey! - Both
5) Pacing with the visible band - Unless you have a chronic illness/burnout then this is up 2 spots.
Okay now that we’re all caught up
I learned recently that I process emotions through music. Thank you for that video mom, major lightbulb moment.
I’ve started almost every day of the last year and a half with this song.
Ronnie Radke is a lyrical genius. He’s just a creative genius in general honestly if helps come up with the ideas for Falling In Reverses videos, which I’m sure he does. His ego’s too big for him not too.
What it tells me today is a completely different story than when I started. I feel like I got a top listener badge for just that song one month. But it helped me awaken to the truth around me so thank you Ronnie. Someday we’ll meet, at least I’ve finally gotten to see you live and experienced happy tears for the first time because of it. Until then I’m going to let your lyrics help shed a little light on my vibe right now.
Dear diary, dear diary
I've been searching for a higher me
I'm in the sky, in the pilot's seat, trying to stop my mind from spiraling
And that's irony, that's irony
I'm just looking for a resolution, I just want to be a better human
But it's hard when everybody's acting stupid
Pardon me if that came off rude, I just have a bad attitude
With the world and not just with you, it's the side effects of abuse
I admit I'm a little strange, I don't think that I'll ever change
I survived a whole life of pain, you could say I escaped my fate
I got stuck giggling on the Escape The Fate reference for a good 6 months as someone who’s been a fan of his since those days.
It helped me hide from the truth 2 lines up. I always tried to distance myself from that line.
“it’s the side effects of abuse.”
I didn’t want to admit it had happened. I didn’t want to admit that the people around me who I loved and who were supposed to have just loved me were actually also abusing me. I could see that it wasn’t intentional, so I didn’t want to admit it to anyone, especially myself. Even if it was, I forgive you, and won’t allow it again.
But the effects speak for themselves.
The parts of me I tried to keep hidden from myself, and the world, tend to remind me of them.
The parts that put myself and my needs first before helping those around me.
The parts of myself that left others feeling unnoticed, unloved, or like they didn’t matter.
The parts of myself that got defensive when shown themselves.
The parts of me that think there’s something special about ME in this world of billions of people.
Basically any showing of ego felt wrong.
But there’s also parts of me that I’ve always embraced that also show the effects.
The way I gave my whole heart and soul to everything I did at the expense of my own body and sanity. Kinda like a hero complex.
The way I’ll give the shirt off my back to help those I love or who need it “more”. (See above.)
The way I can sense the needs of those around me before they even know themselves…Yet don’t even know if I have to pee until I’m about to wet my pants.
The way I can stay calm and controlled in the midst of insanity.
I was never taught how to take care of myself, only those around me.
I was never taught to feel my emotions, only to regulate them and everyone else’s.
I was never taught how to love myself, only those around me, and to be grateful for what I had.
Because it was more than most. And they could only teach me what they knew themselves. And I’m so grateful for EVERY experience I got in my life. Some of them have been REALLY FUCKING SHITTY. But they also could have been SO MUCH WORSE.
I'm a cynical, egotistical, unpredictable, hardened criminal
And I can be a little hypocritical, but I'll admit it straight to your face
I'm unbreakable, irreplaceable, undeniably inspirational
I used everything I had available to make me the person I am today
They also could have been SO MUCH BETTER. But then I wouldn’t be who I am. And I wouldn’t be on my way to becoming the person I’m going to be tomorrow, and the next day. Because I’m done comparing myself or my life to anyone else’s. I’m done worrying about what’s best for everyone INSTEAD of myself. The only way this world is going to change for the better is if we all take responsibility for the pain we’ve caused to those around us. And take responsibility for changing our individual lives. I don’t care whose FAULT it is and neither should you. It doesn’t matter, because it’s not the fault of the person who hurt you. Someone hurt them… and someone hurt them…. and someone hurt them. So unless you can go back and get revenge on the beginning of the ancestral line because they’re some original vampire then… Sit the fuck down, look in the mirror, and take some responsibility for how YOU are hurting those you LOVE the most without meaning to.
This means admitting it to ourselves first. You can’t change something you refuse to see. And sometimes you have to wade through a whole lot of bullshit to see clearly. But we can’t just stay in the darkness of seeing it. You have to remember to work on forgiveness for yourself and those involved and try to see the lesson behind the pain.
I never realized HOW MUCH I did to control other peoples emotions until LAST WEEK. I was about to soften the blow to my dad about my mom asking for her money for the month. Then I remembered his response to the blog and thought, “he chose this”. I retyped it without compromising myself and hit send without regret. I don’t think he even noticed the difference.
Even with all my healing I had still been doing it blindly in this one area.
There have been multiple instances of people in my life saying something along the lines of, “You listen to such angry music, but you’re such a nice happy person.”
It’s the fucking mask my guys.
But no actually, you’re not listening to the music if you think it’s all angry. Or I guess you’re not listening to it the way I do. There’s no wrong way to listen to music.
Some of it is angry FOR SURE. But a lot of it is supportive. It makes you feel less alone in a scary world.
Music has always been my escape.
My dad would take me to concerts all the time when I was a teenager. He gave up so much of his time for bringing me that joy, and I REALLYYYY don’t want to take away from that, but the thing is…
I had to earn it, which isn’t the bad part.
They paid me for my chores,
Basically anything I didn’t want to do I’d get paid for. I still feel so lucky for this.
But the money never actually came as money to spend as I liked. I’d keep an hour log hanging on the wall until I got a good number saved up. I felt like I could only go to them for “approved” purchases with it. Not that I wanted anything BAD… I just wanted some candy I didn’t have to steal.
I started asking for concert tickets when I was like 15 probably..
I was always aware of the family finances, though. So when money was tight, which felt like it was usually 10 months out of the year, I’d try to hold off and just save up unless it was an urgent show. Then when things were good I’d try to get as much as I could, spaced out reasonably so as not to seem like I was asking for too much. Even though it was “my money”.
Eventually I learned this was the only consistent way to get paid so once I could drive I went to every concert I possibly could. I was definitely close to 100 by college probably. I didn’t pay for all of them. They bought me tickets as gifts as well. But it still instilled in me that what I spent my money on was under supervision and I had to “earn” being myself as the only time I felt free of obligation was at the shows.
My awareness of the finances also had another effect. I took them into consideration of everything I did. I learned this by watching my mother not do it and seeing it frustrate my dad.
Unfortunately, his decision to support HER unconditionally, came at my support seeming conditional. Or at least that’s how it felt. He’s noticed it a few times. Tried to make up for “sending them both to school but not being able to pay for me” with a car. But that car, and my job helping him, has still turned into how he supports me when things are tight.
Working with my dad started as a way to try and get me out of bartending when my body first started to turn against me. It was also a way to get my ex a job he could be excited about. I was so tired of pulling so much weight in our life. I learned how to help loved ones by watching my dad. So I took on another job thinking that would help things. While he just waited for us to move so things could change.
I taught myself how to use quickbooks and make spreadsheets and all sorts of things to try and help my dad in his business ventures. I didn’t have any real help or guidance.
A few months into that I got my bar “dropped on my head”. I was the assistant manager that just showed up and did what I was told. I tried to take initiative on things, or offer to help, but it was rarely accepted. Unless someone was in trouble or needed to be fired. Then that was my job. It was fine we could cry through it together.
So my preparation for being promoted to manager was a 6 week medical leave where I had like 6 lines of notes to get me through. I felt like I was on the verge of losing my mind the ENTIRE 6 weeks. Then she comes back and is a completely different person. I start to worry about her mental health just as she decides to divorce her wife and move to South Dakota with a long lost “never lined up before” kinda person. I can’t blame her, you gotta do what you know is going to make you happy. Even if it makes sense to no one else.
She gave me and the owners 2 weeks notice on a Wednesday, and then that Friday said to me, “You know what I think I’m done.” I played it cool hoping she was joking. I had too many questions to even form one.
She left her keys and bar card behind the bar and didn’t come back.
I didn’t have any phone numbers or contact information for ANYONE.
AND NEITHER DID THE OWNERS.
But I freaking figured it out, while figuring out my dad’s stuff, while managing a codependent relationship, and trying to care for everything in my life by myself because I made sure not to share my struggle if I could. It definitely slipped out at home though. Neither of us handled our emotions well back then.
But now that bar is the most structured and organized dive bar anyone who’s worked there has ever seen.
I have folders with the job expectation outlined behind every bar. Not because I’m controlling though… It’s because I forget and so does everyone else.
Someone would ask me about something, and then 2 weeks later someone else would ask the same thing and I’d give a different answer. BECAUSE I WAS MAKING IT UP AS I FUCKING WENT.
I started documenting my answers so I could reference them.
For 6 years I had written myself a “to do” list every day when I got to work.
But it wasn’t until someone else needed it that I made a reusable one or typed it out.
I’ve always been good at doing everything for everyone else and nothing for myself.
But THAT’S not the point… That’s just what I mean when I say I got the bar dropped on my head. That was what it felt like when I was surviving it.
So back to the point… I was still making sure to wake up by 11am every Tuesday and Thursday to work for my dad. He said I didn’t need to be awake that early. I could sleep in if I was tired. But then I’d wake up to a text saying.
“Call me when you're up and about.”
Which is zero pressure at all. He said it then and I can see it for myself now.
But to someone fighting for their life just surviving with crippling phone anxiety, sleep issues, and a fear of disappointing anyone. It told me I woke up too late and he had been waiting on me forever, why was I so lazy? And then I’d wake up at 10am for a month. Even though there was ZERO actual issue with anything. I was so caught up in my own internal bullshit I was blind to the fact I was causing it myself.
I didn’t NEED to be working for him. I just couldn’t afford everything my ex wanted if I didn’t.
So now that I’m no longer with my ex I have felt like I didn’t NEED to work for him. But I stayed because I wanted to. We were talking about business plans for this business. I couldn’t do it without him right? All of my income from him above my mortgage payment went straight to savings. I always felt like that was his money. Even my own money I earned from the bar. I felt ashamed if I spent it unwisely. Like it could have gone to something better.
And let me tell you… I like to spend money unwisely…
You should see my lego collection.
And it could ALWAYS go to something better. But shaming myself for buying things that brought me joy shouldn’t need to be part of a survival equation.
I felt like the only things I was “allowed” to spend money on was food, bills, and other sustenance type things. I had internalized the scarcity mindset to the extremes. Literally anything else came with shame.
My ex had gone without for a lot of his life. He helped break me out of the shame of spending money on myself. Of course I felt like anything I bought for myself I also had to buy for him or else it wasn’t “fair” in my mind. After we broke up I went a bit crazy spending money on myself FINALLY. For reference, when I was 22 my first ex’s mom gave me $100 for christmas with the stipulation that I had to spend it on myself, not my animals or her son. It took me 3 months but I finally found a bag and dress that I thought she’d approve of that I also liked. Nailed it.
Now life wouldn’t be easy without my dad’s job. But I would have more time and mental focus to dedicate to this business. And I’m betting on myself this year. So while I won’t work for free, I do not NEED your support anymore. I can cover my own expenses, including the rest of the car payments if needed. I don’t want you to have to pull from savings to pay me. You need that for yourself. I got this. Just because you maybe haven’t helped me financially as much as them in this life doesn’t mean you haven’t done more than enough.
So in school I did my best to fit in. I was a varsity athlete in 3 sports, but wasn’t interested in 90% of what the girls on my teams were interested in so I didn’t really hang out with them. Instead I chose to hang out with the band/drama kids and this felt like the end of the world.
I always felt like the popular ones were whispering or talking about me. The ones who were nice to me I felt were just doing it out of sympathy. Or because I was too good of an athlete for them to care, the sport was their priority. It was like they thought that I thought I was better than them. No one is better than anyone, we are all beautiful and important in our own way. The puzzle is incomplete if ANY PIECE is missing, the edge or corner is not more important than the middle pieces. Anyway, so I developed this weird confidence AND a constant internal undermining of it as well.
When it came to classes I never felt good enough even though I got mostly A’s with a couple B’s. The teachers always expected me to be like my sister who had come through a couple years earlier. She was a straight a+ student.
My parents didn’t make it to many of my games because of my mother’s injury and father's work, but when they did make it I always wished they hadn’t.
He was just trying to help me improve. See what I could have done better.
But it’s really hard to listen to soccer advice from someone you’ve never seen touch a soccer ball… Or after you just busted your ass sprinting for 90 mins and were celebrating the win.
He does learn from his mistakes though.
He was much harder on my sister when she was younger. He had learned to soften for me. When she went through her phase of self introspection after graduating college he actually listened to her and really incorporated what he learned.
When I started working with him in 2022 he seemed like a completely different person.
He actually listened to me and cared what was going on in my life.
It wasn’t that he didn’t care before, he just didn’t take the time to acknowledge it. Which I can relate to HEAVILY because I did that too until last year. In St Louis he told me one night when I was talking about some of my mental health struggles, “You are perfect the way you are.”
My heart about stopped, I swear. Was that the validation I had been seeking MY ENTIRE LIFE?
Why did it feel so wrong? That was the first time I ever had the “You’re labs are fine” feeling. How could I be perfect just the way I was when I felt like I was losing my mind constantly trying to stay on top of surviving. Like I’ve said before… It’s all about perspective.
When he wasn’t away working his mood definitely controlled the household. If business was stressful and things were tight I feel like we all held our breath not wanting to add to it. We didn’t want to ask for or need anything. When things are good he gives freely and generously, but when they are bad you can feel the stress 5 states away. It doesn’t surprise me though. Carrying that kind of life weight alone feels life or death. Hence why he’s still in survival mode.
I had regularly scheduled breakdowns over what seemed like nothing, and I was just mostly supporting 2 people and (a lot of) pets.
Of course I hid mine… On the bathroom floor in tears one minute, then cooking dinner smiling 5 minutes later when he got home. So he wouldn’t see the struggle and take on any of the pain. He had enough of his own he was working through. I couldn’t add to it.
I never wanted to make ANYONE feel the way things made me feel. Not realizing of course that most things don’t make people feel the way the same things make me feel. Or that sharing the responsibility of the feeling would have helped ease the weight on my own shoulders.
Most people don’t get pits of fear in their stomach at the idea of doing ANYTHING wrong.
Most people don’t feel like they're going to throw up at the thought of speaking in front of a group of people. But ENOUGH do that you can convince yourself it’s normal and not look deeper.
I don’t know if I could speak to a group of people these days. I mean I stand behind a bar and serve hundreds of people a night regularly. But I got a 3ft safety bubble from everyone but my coworkers, and I’m usually only talking to a few at a time. I guess I’ll have to test it someday.
Dear diary, dear diary
I just had another wild dream
I was in a world that admired me, and when I woke up I was smiling
And that's irony, that's irony
You talk a lot but you don't even know me
I'm just hoping that my testimony will inspire y'all to stop acting phony
Pardon me if that came off weird, I don't mean to be mean, I swear
I have been through a lot this year, I just want to make a few things clear
I don't like it when people hate behind my back and not to my face
Nowadays it just feels so fake, so I'll cut the grass to expose the snakes
I sent my “back to the beginning” blog to my whole family to read. My mother follows everything I do obsessively but dad and sister need direct contact to pay attention. I let them all read it and respond before I posted it. I made some slight adjustments based on “facts” that had come up in our discussions after. I honestly don’t know what I believe anymore. But I also don’t care to. I’ve seen a different truth now and unfortunately there’s no going back. Either you heal and rise with me or you plan on trying to drag me back into the dark and I WILL NOT ALLOW THAT from anyone in my life moving forward. I’m done making everyone else’s life easier for them so they don’t have to be hit with the harsh truths of reality. I’ve been taking the blows for too long. We all deserve to learn the lessons life is trying to teach us. Even when they hurt. Even when we’ve already lived through hell. Because maybe this is the lesson that will change everything for you. Maybe this is the bullet in the chamber that fails to release.
I said before my dad was away a lot for work.
When he was gone my mom obviously needed our help more. As a child I was resentful of this and often tried to push back so I could do my own thing. It felt like every time my mom and I started arguing my sister would show up and defend her.
“Why are you arguing with ma? Why can’t you just help her?”
So I learned really quickly that my needs and wants didn’t matter. It was 2 against 1 and they were BOTH older. Because of this, and the way my brain works, my interoception kinda sucks. I don't always know when I’m hungry. I’m still learning my emotions. I could have just blamed this on my autism or array of diagnosis but I just knew I had to go deeper if I wanted to change it. I’ve spent the last year trying to figure out why I’m uncomfortable. With all my diagnosis’ it’s a different reason every other minute and it’s really freaking annoying. But at least I’m starting to understand what my body's trying to tell me instead of feeling like I’m living under its control just waiting for the next flare.
It’s definitely a process, relearning how to listen to your body, but it’s not impossible. Unless you believe it is. Anything you think you can’t do you’ll be 100% right about every time.
Our thoughts are more powerful than you think… lol
I was never able to develop a healthy relationship with giving and my understanding of what I “deserved” has also been kinda screwy, but getting better daily.
Every time we went grocery shopping I was in charge of the snacks. I picked the best stuff and my sister didn’t care, she just wanted to eat it. The stuff I liked best I would try and get 2 packs of so we could each have one. But then everytime we got home from shopping something happened.
I’d put everything away. It would be so tetris like and satisfying I wouldn’t want to take anything and ruin it. So I’d close the cupboard and go to my room, excited for the next day.
My sister would go to school late, and come home early on alternating days caring for my mom and the horses. But basically every day had a few hours “unsupervised.”
By the 2nd or 3rd day all the good snacks would be GONE.
I’d have gotten 1 or 2 of a couple…maybe.
We wouldn’t be going shopping again for another 3 weeks at least.
So I started taking half of everything and hiding it in my room. She would come to me like a kid going to their parents to beg after a week…
“Can I have some of the good snacks pleaseeeee.”
I’d make her go to her room to wait so she wouldn’t know where I hid them.
I still ended up only ever getting a quarter at best. I didn't understand how she ate so much.
To this day I save my food to the point it goes bad rather than eating it. But I’m wasting less than I used to, and am sharing what I can to help others.
I’m learning to just enjoy stuff when it arrives instead of trying to “save it” for “when I need it” but it’s been a tough one to shake.
This was my first self acknowledged “toxic trait”
I was aggressively protective of my food. It’s crazy how quickly that swung to ZERO APPETITE for years.
I once glared a drunk grown ass man into apologizing because he took a cheeto out of my bag off the bar instead of greeting him. He was a little scared to order after that but I was the only bartender so he had to deal.
I don’t enjoy entitlement one bit. It used to be a trigger, but I’m working through it. I am starting to understand it. Some people were raised in a way that made them think everything would just be handed to them. It’s a pretty rude awakening to be left with scraps or have to fend for yourself when you expected to be cared for.
When I was a kid and we’d go out to breakfast my sister and I would always get a hot chocolate, until she switched to coffee.
Extra whipped cream on top please!
And every time it arrived…
“Oh yum!” and everyone else’s spoons dove in…
There was hardly any left by the time I got any… just HOT chocolate.
My mom still takes the first bite of my food to this day if I don’t PROTECT it.
After seeing my rage from him stealing my food without asking my ex used to try to make it a point of making sure I got the first bite of ANYTHING around her but I don’t think she ever caught on. She’s adamantly oblivious to these types of things. I appreciated it and giggled every time though.
He helped me learn that more was my right as a human. I didn’t need to just accept scraps from people and think it was love. But that’s an exaggeration of the worst examples.
Of course… I also had to learn that lesson from him as well in other ways. When he came on tough times I picked up the weight. Unfortunately he got a bit comfortable with that set up. I of course added to this by supporting him fully while hiding the weight it added to my shoulders. I never told him I expected him to contribute more financially when he could. I just waited and hoped he would start making more money soon and start contributing more of his own volition. (Who would actually do that?) When I broke my ankle I hoped maybe he would step up more since I couldn’t bartend. And he did, he helped cover shifts, and didn’t ask me for money for anything, but he still didn’t help me cover the bills or anything like that. I needed my dad’s help to pay for those. Which meant I felt like I had to work extra hard to make up for it. I couldn’t take time off when my pay had just tripled.
I clocked in the DAY AFTER my ankle surgery. I also went to the bar the next day to make sure everyone was okay and things weren’t falling apart.
I was in tears in the back booth by 11pm but I made it to 3am because he was bartending and I couldn’t drive. I didn’t “have a choice”.
He had wanted me to come, he didn’t want to be there without me. I couldn’t let him down.
I never learned how to take care of myself.
I never learned to think if I was okay or if I had everything I needed and to prioritize that.
I only learned how to make sure everyone around me had everything they needed…without them having to say it half the time.
We are all so worried about whose FAULT it is. Or how the other person HURT us or took advantage of us. Instead of staying the victim of whatever happened to you. You need to embody the hero you needed. What would they have done? You can treat your thoughts like you’re editing a text. You’re allowed to have bad ones, just don’t cling to them as truth.
Hanging onto that negativity only holds you down. You have to remind yourself of this EVERY DAY. Sometimes even every minute. Keep making adjustments until your thinking aligns with what you’re asking for from this life.
If someone says no to you, about anything, do you take it personally?
Is it a personal attack on who you are as a person? Or are they just prioritizing themselves which makes you feel like you're losing something?
Why is that an issue for you?
Is it because your cup is empty and you’re searching desperately for someone to fill it for you?
Yeah, we all are…
So the solution, like I said in my last blog… instead of begging for crumbs from everyone who doesn’t have any to spare. FILL YOUR OWN CUP. Heal yourself.
If EVERYONE focused on themselves first this world would be sooo overflowing with love that all the evil you spend so much time focusing on wouldn’t stand a chance.
Every second of thought you give to the negativity just helps it GROW.
What positive things can you do TODAY… RIGHT NOW… to help yourself feel better.
I'm unstoppable, it's impossible
You don't wanna see the diabolical side of me that never stops, is volatile
So I suggest you stay in your lane
I'm unapologetic, you know where it's headed
I will never ever let up off the pedal
I got the spirit of every warrior in me ever, so back the fuck up, get out my face
Over the last 4 years of being Manager I’ve had to fire over 20 people. Every one took a little piece of my soul.
Before that my very first fire as assistant manager started with one of my best friends at the time.
He was my security, who had sat with me and kept me safe 3 nights a week for over a year at that point. I drove him home most nights, we talked about our life’s. He knew me better than some of my long time friends because he saw a side of me they didn’t get to. He also saw a side of my BF at the time that I was just starting to see myself. I didn’t cry when I did it, but I cried before… and for days after. But I hid the cost from everyone around me. It was my job, it shouldn't be killing me inside like this. Obviously I was doing something wrong. But after that everyone got easier. Even when they didn’t. I’d have to fire more friends.
The first fire after becoming manager was a tough one. He didn’t understand why he was being fired. He thought he had been doing well. He felt like he hadn’t been talked to enough about what he had done wrong. He felt like we were pulling the rug out from under him.
I took all of this as my own short comings. Things I could do better in the future.
I came up with clear cut systems and outlined them for everyone.
“If you do this you will be fired”
“If you get written up 3 times you will be fired - this is how you get written up (X,Y,Z)”
I made clear cut job expectations and outlines easily available so no one else could say “they forgot” something.
I called people out on their bullshit without naming names in my monthly newsletters so everyone could learn from each other’s mistakes but also made sure to pull people aside or message them and talk about their infractions so they knew the fire was coming or could fix their issues.
And then a year later another one of my firings went eerily similar to the guy at the start of my management. “What do you mean I’m being fired?” “I thought I was doing everything right?”
If you were doing everything right someone wouldn’t be talking to you EVERY WEEK about something you did wrong…
I made MORE adjustments. Made things MORE clear cut. I started to feel like a controlling dictator.
My softer staff was starting to be scared of me. They were scared to talk to me about their struggles even though all I wanted was to help everyone improve as bartenders. They were scared that any little thing they did “wrong” would get them fired.
I pulled back, I tried softening my expectations. I tried everything I could to be NICER but I was already so nice. I felt like I didn’t have a mean bone in my body. I always bent over backwards for everyone. And hid the mean from myself in the process.
The first time my ex ever got big and scary and yelled at me cause he was angry I should have turned around and walked away and been done. But that wasn’t what I’d learned in my life. I wouldn’t be intimidated just because I was shaking and falling apart, he wasn’t going to touch me, and if he did I had my spiked boots and a hell of a kick. So I stepped toward him… and I screamed right back in his face. You know, the healthy choice.
“No one’s ever stepped toward me like that when I was mad before.”
I thought “my dad prepared me for this”. I also feel like this isn’t true based on the number of fights he’s been in but I remember it dammit. But now I really think my mom did.
My dad was a hippie in the “natural is best, you don’t need make up” way.
He also didn’t want us to dye our hair… but gave in at 16 thankfully.
He said we could get tattoos and piercings when we moved out and paid for them ourselves.
My sister got her lip pierced when she went abroad and he lost it. Threatened to take away her car. And then I totalled it… oops
I guess he told her he wouldn’t tell her what she could do with her body after that.
He did not however apply the same approach to me.
I prepared a whole ass statement about why getting my lip pierced in college was the perfect time. “Because then it would be healed and removable by the time I had job interviews.” I mean come on.
Now I don’t know if this is word for word, but it’s word for word how my brain has remembered it for 16 years.
“Sure you could do that, but then I won’t pay for college.”
Cool… guess I’ll just get my nipple pierced and not tell you then.
College got taken away anyway…(Do you see your cycle yet?)
I also already had a tattoo so, I’ll get to what that says about me, but I’m not hiding shit anymore.
When I was a child I remember my dad would get SO MAD. My mom and sister would be crying and it would make him more mad. Why was his expression of feelings scaring them? I never cried. I didn’t understand why they did either. So my dad’s anger was always this “big thing” in my life, but I didn’t really see it. I felt the No’s and perceived injustice but not the fear. To me it was rational anger from his perspective. But my mom saw it, my sister saw it… clearly I was wrong and he was scary. Anxiety triggered.
My mother always tried to regulate my dad’s emotions and so she inherently taught us to as well.
I have now figured out that trying to regulate other people’s emotions just holds them back from the lessons they are supposed to be learning.
It also causes invisible pain to everyone involved.
You build resentment for managing their emotions but when you have emotions yourself you may feel you’re left to deal with them alone.
You’ve taught them that you will handle emotions for them so why shouldn’t they assume you can handle your own. This is the same for any kind of support honestly.
It’s hard to watch the people we love learn lessons from life. But protecting them from it isn’t heroic or good parenting/partnership. And neither is protecting yourself from the pain honestly. LEARN THE LESSON AND MOVE ON. It drains you, and it robs them of the chance to progress in their own life. It can also make them feel like they don’t know how to manage their own life and are dependent on you which is a form of control. Just because YOU know better doesn’t mean they don’t need to learn it in THEIR OWN way. You just telling them won’t teach them in the same way. Life will try again, and again, bigger every time, until you let the lesson hit. And then THEY PROCESS IT. Teach them how to do THAT and help them through the lesson even if you don’t understand its purpose. You’re not meant to, only they are, you have your own lessons to worry about.
You can’t just take life’s hits and keep going with your head down. I mean you can… I’d been doing it for this long, but nothing is ever going to get better until we all pull our heads out of our asses and HEAL OUR TRAUMA.
CAUSE WE ALL HAVE TRAUMA FROM THIS SOCIETY.
You're a slave to labor and you praise the fascist
You kiss the hand that takes half in taxes
Faking outrage and being seen, a generation with no self-esteem
It's time to rise up and stand against them, break the chains and finally see the vision
We're post-traumatic from a broken system
Follow me into the chaos engine
I see it in every movie I watch. Every show. Every song.
I can’t unsee it now. There’s no going back for me. So all I can hope now is to take as many people along with me as I can.
I’ve tried to keep a lot of people’s secrets while revealing my truths and had been pretty successful before this blog. But I’m done trying now. I’m no longer thinking about it. I won’t mean anything by bringing it up but I can’t KEEP any secrets anymore. My soul is tired of carrying the weight of them. this does not apply to short term secrets, just the big lesson relevant ones
I need to make sure you understand. If you choose to stay blind to what I’m trying to show you, your life is going to stay in these vicious cycles of darkness that you’ve been trapped in forever. If you aren’t in my family or life I hope you read this just as carefully. Relate it back to your life. See who may come to mind as you read my examples. Start to understand where you may exist in the stories.
It's time to stand, it's time to fight
Don't be afraid to twist the knife
Your sacrifice to break the curse
Prepare to die, prepare to burn
Abandon hope, it's not enough
'Cause all our gods abandoned us
Your sacrifice to break the curse
Light the match, watch it burn
The response to that blog from my sister surprised me. She’d never seen my mom that way, she was shocked. But she could see it now, and saw how she played into it.
The response from my dad also surprised me.
“A part of why she is the way she is, is because of a decision I made to support her unconditionally.”
He said he’d write to me more when he had time and he’s been super busy with work so he hasn’t. But the thing is, I don’t need anything more defending her. I’ve always known you made a decision to support her fully. You did that before the accident. But I need her to take responsibility for herself. Financial responsibility and personal responsibility are NOT the same thing.
She responded as expected from my “firing study”. Defensively. Shocked. Asked to call asap.
“That’s really not how I remember the whole college thing.”
The reason she told me this time was different from the one she told me when I first brought this up to her in 2016. But I’m guessing she doesn’t remember that, I didn’t remind her because I didn’t want to bring it up.
Even though they are separated and live in different states my dad still supports her fully financially in everything she does years after their separation. (See again: financial support is not the same as personal or emotional support)
Once she was done defending herself she tried to put in some of the effort I asked for. Asked if she could borrow my books. I held onto hope, maybe she’d really start. Maybe if I show everyone an active real time example will help.
She stopped by yesterday to drop off her cats who will be staying with me for the next couple weeks… 7 cats total RN I’m here for it. She’s tried to let me out of the commitment a few times, said she could board them at the vet, but I insisted because ANIMALS.
Once she was all settled in she dove right in.
“So how do I do shadow work?”
I can only ask you the questions and point you in the right direction.
I can’t do your work for you. I can’t just make your brain understand the slight adjustments to understanding it needs to make.
She proceeded to trauma dump to me about her childhood.
I guess let me help this one last time, I’ll try to make it clearer while I explain this.
I definitely responded defensively. I’m still a work in progress like everyone else.
I’ve managed everyone else’s emotions for my entire life while ignoring my own.
Now I’m finally acknowledging my own and ACTIVELY trying to help heal everyone who reads my blogs as I heal myself. If you’re really listening and trying to change you should have made some progress by now. My friends have just from our interactions. They haven’t even read them I don’t think. They weren’t ready to see that much of my pain. But if you’ve read every single thing I post and you haven’t made any progress… Have you really read it?
Do you internalize anything to see how you relate or just stay skimming the surface of life?
Do you know your triggers yet?
Have you done ANYTHING to try and work through these?
Or are you waiting for me to hand you the answer in a pretty little package?
Guess what, I already did that the best I could in the unmasking blog last week.
Other than that the best system anyone seems to have in any of the books is to give examples of “patients” and “subjects”. To show what their life was like, and then things they did to start to make improvements. So that’s what I’m doing with this blog… Except I’m the subject… there is no external filter to distort the information. Just me learning, understanding, and solving the puzzle that is my brain. Then sharing what I learn with all of you to hopefully help you solve the puzzle of your own brain so you can live a happier and more fulfilling life.
Every single person who puts themselves through the hell of healing will have a ripple effect on the people around them.
Now I haven’t read every healing book, but I’ve got a good variety under my belt. But I don’t just learn from books. I am ALWAYS learning. I watch informative videos on facebook not drama, not politics, not any of the negative shit that's always screaming for our attention. I’m fully aware of everything going on but I do not engage. I ignore that shit and pretend it doesn’t exist once I’m informed. I don’t have the time to spare.
I don’t have the energy to spare. I have enough of my own negativity I’m working to expunge. It’s such DRAINING energy.
Everything I consume I relate to myself and what I can learn from it.
I also watch for entertainment of course, but I’m watching how the characters in shows interact. I think about how I might feel in those moments, or what I might do. If I really don’t like a character instead of just seething in that negativity I try to ask myself why I don’t like them?
This has triggered some of my biggest breakthroughs.
The controlling and demanding women in shows reminded me of my mom. They also embodied something I NEVER wanted to be because of that. Unfortunately controlling is exactly what I turned into.
I’d have nauseating anxiety if I didn’t know every single step of the plan and what was coming.
I would make, and remake, packing lists 12 times, for a 3 day trip, and then make 2 copies in case I lost one.
I had also hid all of my ADHD traits at all costs because they just reminded me of HER.
I tried to convince myself her efforts were genuine; she was just getting a slow start. Which is understandable, but literally every single thought you have is an opportunity to make a change. You just have to take the time to slow down so you can have the chance to take it instead of reacting instinctively.
How do you do this? Well first you need to heal the thing TRIGGERING the reaction. Before you’ll truly be able to use the space you can make simply by breathing before responding. This is the same technique that I use for managing my health symptoms… and it helps with those too usually.
I like to start by just breathing in for 3 then exhaling for 4. Doing that a few times is step 1. That alone took me like a year to master before I could even consider doing a step 2 when dealing with things. This should also be step 1 when dealing with ANYTHING moving forward. It helps you to stay regulated and think more clearly. If you’re better at breathing than me you can do longer inhales and exhales, just make sure the exhale is always longer than the inhale to help lower your heart rate.
This helps me create a little distance between myself and whatever has triggered an emotion or feeling in me. In that space I can then start to try and understand why I’m feeling how I’m feeling and therefore what would solve the problem. Sometimes it’s easier like food, sleep, water, or I gotta pee. When it’s not we go to the next step.
Step 2 for me is to usually go outside and sit in the grass for some grounding time without stimulation. Sometimes I’m overstimulated and removing stimulation doesn’t help, the only thing that does is to put on my headphones and block out the world completely with loud music.
There should be no shame in figuring out what works for you even if it seems contradictory to logic.
Step 3 cuddle a pet. Or if you don’t have a pet you could probably reach out to a friend here to talk through it. Probably find someone else who is trying to be on a healing journey for best results.
Idk, figure out what works for you, I’m still learning to lean on other humans. No need to put pressure on yourself. This is a long process no matter how you try to rush it.
TRUST ME I GIVEN MYSELF MULTIPLE FLARES TRYING TO GET IT OVER WITH FASTER. Eyeroll
My body said, NO is right. Can’t overachieve in healing with chronic health conditions unfortunately.
Also these songs are great reminders when struggling if you process emotions like me but maybe don’t like the screaming.
Breakdown. - YUNGBLUD (I just found you in May but thank you, and I’ll see you in August!)
Back to my mom, I’d thought I’d done really well with our quick visit but I guess I wasn’t engaging enough.
She was like a little kid on too much caffeine going to the airport.
Bouncing around in her seat asking if she’d annoyed me enough yet…
Why are you trying to?
Why is it funny to you?
You see the biggest issue with passive aggression is its easily deniable to everyone involved.
The person who did it can do it aware or unaware and the other party has NO WAY TO KNOW.
She “just missed me and wanted more connection because she hasn’t seen me in months.”
Yeah or… she was testing the boundaries I tried to establish.
Seeing what I would put up with.
And in the moment I failed that test, but I won’t next time.
There’s only so much you can “blame” on your adhd or spaceyness or whatever. You still need to take responsibility for the effect your actions have on those around you. I hate the word Narcissist because I don’t think any of you are. But you do have tendencies, some more than others. And I need you to heal them if you want to be a part of my life moving forward. And you need to use your own discernment in all situations. Don’t rely on anyone else to handle your lessons. AND TRUST YOUR GUT.
No position in my life is guaranteed. If you treat me in an unhealthy manner I will call you out. I will distance myself from you until you heal. You will not have access to me. I need to keep my energy in the light. I won’t be dragged backward. I’ve fought too fucking hard to keep my head above water for this long. Now that I can finally see the sun I’m never going back.
I love you all.
Khaos