10) Khaos Un-Masking

You guys this is terrifying.

I want you to know that. Every step of the process you get a little more raw. A little more real. The rejections hurt a little more. But that’s not the scary part.

Your purpose is the scary part.

At least for me. I’ve been scared of being seen my entire life.

I’m writing this shaking with tears streaming down my face but I can’t not do it.

I need to be seen. I still don’t really know WHY yet, other than to hopefully help others heal. Completely and fully as I am. I need to show up for myself, so I can show you guys how to show up for yourself.

We all complain about how bad the world is. We wish SOMEONE would do something about it.

But the truth is the only person who CAN do anything about it is YOU.

If you think the world around you sucks you need to adjust your perspective.

We are ALL soooo abundant just for existing. If you can see. If you can hear. If you can walk. If you can feel. You are ABUNDANT. I know the world might be crumbling around you. But if you focus on THAT that’s all you’re ever going to see.

You’re going to miss all the beautiful moments happening around you because you’re too busy focusing on the bullshit.

The bullshit doesn’t go away. But it loses its power over you. I used to binge TV on sundays…and every day.

I’d watch for 12 hours straight no shame only moving to let my dogs out and feed myself or go to the bathroom.

Over the last 2 weeks I have watched half a movie, and 8 episodes of 2 different shows. I reach for it out of instinct but once it’s on I just feel it’s a waste of my time and energy. I’m not trying to be all superior or anything. Watch your shows. I know how comforting that shit is. There’s just other things I find more important now. I’m no longer constantly trying to escape my life.

I’m living EVERY SECOND OF IT. & music is all I need.

So the time has come for me to show my face.

To show you that even when you're terrified.

ESPESCIALLY when you’re terrified.

That means you’re on the right track. This isn’t an EASY path to choose. It’s going to test you EVERY DAY.

It’s going to test you on the same thing 12 times in 13 different ways.

Life’s not doing this to beat you down. It’s not trying to break you.

It’s asking you to choose yourself.

And then do it again.

And again. In every single way.

Until THAT becomes your instinct.

And just when you’re going to want to give up. When normally everyone does because it will ask you to give up those closest. That’s when you need to KEEP GOING the most.

You’re going to lose people, yes. But you can cut these ties AND keep these people in your life. The relationships will change, and if they resist that change too much that’s when you might lose them. But if they really matter they will still be there when you’re both ready.

If your life is already full there’s no room for the new blessings that following your purpose will bring. You need to make space, both in your heart and in your life.

I made my newfound boundaries very clear in my Villain Era blog. I’m pretty sure it scared my family. But that just shows how much they’ve ALWAYS misunderstood me initially. I am still who I’ve always been, I’m just taking care of myself first now. I’m standing up for myself now. I have my own back over anyone else’s. I’m expressing who I am and being proud of it instead of hiding any piece of it and being ashamed.

In order to do that I needed to release all of my karmic attachments. I’d learned the lessons I needed to learn from them, I didn’t need to stay in the cycles anymore.

You do not need to die to go to “Heaven” or whatever you believe in. You just need to align your inner self with your outer self. Your thought’s with your actions. IN THE MOST LITERAL SENSE.

If you want to love yourself you HAVE TO ACTIVELY LOVE YOURSELF.

Buy yourself something nice. Take yourself out to dinner. Make sure you are loved and cared for the way you would a child… Kinda like… your inner child.

You gotta ask the kid inside yourself what they need to thrive and give it to them.

This doesn’t mean giving in to your every desire.

This means PARENTING YOURSELF. Making decisions that move you toward where you are trying to go.

You could go eat mcdonalds and feel like shit tomorrow because you're too tired to cook today.

You could also remember that the next time you are cooking and make extra. Then stick some in the freezer for those harder days.

It’s not about shaming yourself for making the easy choices.

It’s about acknowledging why you needed the easy choice and figuring out a solution to it when you are in a position to rather than when you are actively struggling.

And unfortunately… the only way out of the struggle is going be rest, time, and space alone with YOURSELF. But by the end of that you will see that as a “fortunately” instead I promise.

You were made for you. It’s everyone else who made you ashamed of who you were little by little. They might not have meant to, but that doesn’t negate the fact that it happened. And it’s okay to feel that.

Who gave them that right anyway? Just because they’re your parent? Or sibling? Or best friend?

FUCK THEM.

ANY FORM OF JUDGEMENT IS JUST A FORM OF CONTROL.

You don’t need to control your kids, you just need to love and nurture them with boundaries and structure.

I of course say this as someone with no children. I KNOW IT’S NOT THAT EASY. But just think about it. Think about how you could maybe start making small adjustments, or where you could make them.

Nothing is ever going to happen over night. You need to be patient.

But back to the people in your life trying to control you…

If they won’t accept that judgment is control then they are happily blind to the control and you’re likely not going to be the one to shake them out of it. Save your energy for yourself. You’re gonna need it.

Every time I have an “epiphany” or “breakthrough” I can’t decide which I’ve landed on yet…

Anyway, almost every time looks like this….

Me watching some random ass facebook video about something completely unrelated (but everything’s related) and next thing I know my chest tightens and the tears are flowing.

Not because they’ve said anything mind blowing or spectacular.

But because what they said resonated as some deep internal truth I had been hiding from until that moment.

A truth I’d always known but wasn’t ready to see.

Being SEEN was always going to be a part of my purpose.

It’s the thing that has scared me most.

You know how fear and excitement feel awfully similar?

…yeah the fear isn’t of the thing you think it is…

You’re so excited about the possibility of that thing being possible, THAT YOU’RE TERRIFIED YOU’RE GOING TO FUCK IT UP. So you hide it away where it’s safe deep inside your heart.

You can’t fuck it up if you don’t try right.

That’s why I have to do it.

Even when I feel like I’m going to throw up. Even with tears streaming down my face.

It’s going to get easier. Every post got easier until the last one.

But when you hit the hard spots please don’t give up.

Reach out if you need support or guidance.

BUT KEEP GOING.

Every trigger you face will require you to adjust your perspective just a little bit to allow this new truth.

If you don’t embody these traits you discover, and you instead continue to hide from them that’s fine. That’s your choice. You’ll follow eventually when enough of the world has chosen to heal.

That time IS COMING. Even if you can’t see it yet. The scales are tipping.

Or you can stay trapped living in your hellscape for the rest of your life.

The choice is LITERALLY YOURS.

It’s wonderful to officially meet you all!

Love Always.

Khaos