9) Breaking Free of the Emotional Prison I put myself in.

I think my villain era blog confused some people. They read it like it was coming from the old me. They didn’t see who I am becoming. They didn’t see my perspective had already changed, I was just explaining the past. I hope you guys could see it though. I’m trying to be an example of the emotional healing/unmasking process for anyone who reads this. That’s not going to work very well if you don’t understand what’s happening in front of you.

I am not trying to trigger you to attack you and to provoke negative feelings.

I am trying to trigger you to show you a starting point for your own healing.

I am giving you the questions you need to ask yourself in every blog. Start with the button I push and figure out what started you reacting that way.

Maybe I just need to show who I used to be. How anxiety ridden and scared to exist I was. It’s so weird seeing myself without tattoos…

When I watch these videos all I can see how not present I was. I am constantly monitoring everything going on around me and in the process also missing everything I was supposed to be experiencing. I never remembered these interviews after the fact. I was just surviving through them. Praying I didn’t get too tongue tied, but also managed to look engaging, and hoping I was asking interesting enough questions. I spent days trying to think of new ones and usually fell back on my same reliable ones because I knew I could (usually) spit them out.

My interview with Christopher Drew is probably my smoothest and that’s because it had no preparation. I literally saw him on the street before his show and asked him if I could interview him. I didn’t have time to over think.

By the interview with Danny I had gotten a little better at hiding it. That was the last interview I ever did, I had dropped out of college and moved to Texas at that point, the first two were while I was in Philly for school. The channel is still there I never took it down. What was funny was 3 years prior Asking Alexandria’s bus was actually the tour bus I mentioned partying on, but I wasn’t going to remind him he didn’t remember me. But I totally fucking should have cause it would have been hilarious.

He asked me if I wanted a drink and I told him I wasn’t 21 and his response was, “Well neither am I.” I got a crown and coke because I didn’t want to seem girly. Then on the bus Sam handed me a bottle of Jack and my entire life’s purpose became making sure I didn’t drop it. I literally didn’t think or care about anything else going on around me except the fear that I would fuck up.

I made it sound like such a cool experience in the last blog but I gotta be honest. I am an extremely AWKWARD human. I’ve learned how to make it work for me better, but that doesn’t mean I’m any less awkward. Maybe now I am idk. My self image has a lot of catching up to do.

However yesterday I had an in person staff meeting with my bar staff for the first time in YEARS. My HR stayed in activity. I never got shaky. I didn’t sweat AT ALL. I remembered what I was trying to say and said it in a calm and collected manner. I was shocked with myself. My only thought afterwards was, “They all must think I’ve been lying this whole time about not being able to talk to them in groups.“ I WAS FUCKING FINE.

Then today I told the owner I’m leaving. Didn’t even flinch internally.

Not yet  of course…probably after football season. I just know it’s coming and I wanted to give them a heads up that I would be training 2 new managers instead of just the one they were aware of. I’m already currently replacing my assistant manager. My life has a tendency of being everything happening always all at once. Which isn’t surprising with how much I have going on.

My other bar is also going through a publicity crisis. These stars are doing things to people right now I’m telling you. I started to feel the anxiety creeping in this morning, took a breath, did some grounding and distanced myself from it. My assistant manager over there is freaking out.

She is me last year when while going through my break up we had a publicity crisis at my main bar. She has to choose now which path to take, the one of reaction or the one of steady authentic choices. I can only shine the light on my own experience and hope it helps her make the right choice FOR HER.

She called me having a valid freakout. Instead of internalizing that anxiety myself and trying to take it off her shoulders. I chose a different path that’s aligned with who I’ve found myself to be now. I gave her advice to help her regulate her nervous system a bit so she could calm down before anything and see it from a clearer perspective. I’ve always wanted to help ease others' negative emotions. Before I did this by taking on the responsibility of it. In my head I thought, “let me save you from this discomfort because I know I can still function with the weight and you’re visibly struggling.” I thought that was me being a kind and loving person. I thought that was empathy. But it wasn’t either of those things. It was me not allowing them to feel the true weight of their life. It was me not letting them learn what they needed to learn. I was enabling them to hide from their emotions, just like I hid from my own by dealing with everyone else’s.

It was selfish really.

I was so worried about hiding from my own discomfort that I couldn’t sit with anyone else’s. I tried to take it off them and hide it under my mask with my own and called it love.

I’m still going to help people ease the weight of their difficult emotions. But not by taking it on myself. By showing you the way to living a lighter life.

If you are trying to fix things from an agitated state you aren’t going to make nearly the progress you would from a balanced state.

The secret to figuring out the secrets of life is this…

EVERYTHING IS BACKWARDS. Once you start applying that everywhere you’re gonna start to notice how true it is.

“The Devils Music” brings out the strongest emotions… funny how that works… 

It helps you heal if you let it help you feel.

They tell us go go go, you gotta work, you gotta produce, if you’re not doing anything you're a drain on society.

Because when you’re still. When you’re grounded. When you have the space to THINK instead of REACT. That is where you find your power. And when you exist in that power you can move through your emotions as they come instead of being trapped in them like a prison you’re trying desperately not to see. And when you aren’t living a life trapped in your emotions you can’t be controlled. BY ANYONE. Not the government, not your boyfriend, not your parents, not your boss. The only person who has any control over anything YOU do or say is YOU.

I’m still a considerate person.

I still want what’s best for everyone.

I still feel anxious daily.

I still get ANGRY regularly.

I still get overstimulated constantly.

I cry like 5 times a day some days.

But sometimes those are happy tears now for tiny reasons and big ones.

I finally know what unconditional love feels like from something other than an animal. Because I’ve found it in myself for myself by no longer committing acts of self betrayal on a regular basis.

Instead of feeling these emotions and letting them take over my entire day because it’ll pull me back to childhood trauma if I think about it…

I just feel the emotions and handle them appropriately. I already dealt with the trauma, it’s no longer brought back up.

I assess the situation the emotions are tied to and see what aspect of it is causing that emotion. If you have a child that’s struggling you can show them how to apply this as well, now, so they never have trauma to heal FROM. 

Then I do what I can to help that aspect change if it’s a negative emotion.

Or I remove it from my interactions if it’s unchangeable.

If it’s a fixed aspect then I make adjustments for myself to make it bearable.

YOU CANNOT GET TO THIS POINT IF YOU DON’T CONFRONT YOUR TRAUMA. AND FORGIVE YOURSELF AND EVERYONE INVOLVED. Read my past blogs for how I did it.

Real Life Examples:

Being around a lot of people in stores gives me anxiety and overstimulates me.

This is a fixed aspect.

I cannot expect an empty store for my comfort so I must adjust myself to make it bearable. This usually involves sunglasses and headphones. The bone conducting one’s though because if I can’t still hear what’s going on around me that will also trigger my anxiety from my nights of walking the streets in Philly. Altering yourself to a fixed aspect should not involve imposing on anyone else's comfort if avoidable. (Example - Don’t blast your phone full volume to make yourself comfortable. Because now no one else is.)

Another round of drama hit the bar today. She REALLY wanted to defend herself.

I saw she couldn’t see the other path forward herself so I flipped on the light switch. I gave her another choice. It’s still on her to take it if she chooses. You can’t control what other people do, only how you interact with them.

If she remains unchangeable and set in her ways then in the future I may need to make a different decision. But that will be that day’s problem. I have way more important things to be putting my energy towards. Like showing y’all my face and writing this. Sure it’s 15 years ago… but it’s a start!

Another example of this would be the boundary I set in the villain era blog. I will not put up with abusive actions of any kind towards me in the future. I will make sure you are aware of what you are doing and if the actions continue after that I will remove myself from the situation.

I don’t hold a grudge anymore. Everyone’s already been forgiven. There will still be love in my heart for you after you hurt me. But I won’t put myself in situations that ask me to betray myself again. I’d rather not be a part of the situation than tolerate any form of abuse, attempted control, or manipulation.

Until next time, keep spreading that positive Khaos!

Love you all!

P.S.

What’s your favorite song?

<3 Khaos