8) Are you triggered yet?

Why should you heal?

Other than to stop hurting the people you love?

To find your life purpose so EVERYTHING you do can feel fulfilling.

You’re probably not as far off from it as you think you are.

You just need to go back through your life and find all the missing pieces you’ve already collected on your journey so far.

Find the common threads throughout your life that didn’t result in pain. The things you’ve always escaped into, and then try to think of things you can do combining them to make your own thing. I didn’t know that’s what I was doing until literally July 9th. But now I do… it’s books and music… stay tuned to see how I combine them because I'm not sure yet but I’m going to do it!

The things that always brought you joy but you were convinced couldn’t be a career one way or another throughout your life so far.

It could have started so small. As something you didn’t realize you were naturally good at.

When I was like 13 I went to an All-American Rejects concert with a friend and met Tyson Ritter at the end as he was leaving. I had a camera in my back pocket but was too busy living in the moment to think to ask for a picture.

On the way home I beat myself up for that. For years after I always thought, “Man why couldn’t I have just thought of my camera.”

But in reality, all the pictures I have with band boys I rarely share anyway because there’s always something about myself in the picture that I didn’t want to share. I don’t struggle with image issues in real life. Just with PICTURES of myself. Maybe ya’ll will see my face when I finish healing that…

But the thing I learned from that interaction that I didn’t register or focus on was this…

He was engaged and enjoying the conversation with us. As soon as he saw a group heading over with cameras he told us good bye and dipped before he got trapped.

Now I did subconsciously integrate this information into how I interacted with artists moving forward though. The less you act like a crazy fan the more likely you are to get a conversation with a human.

I couldn’t talk to normal people. But I could talk to the band boys I looked up to like they were my best friends. Everyone made fun of me for my “crushes” but they didn’t get it. Neither did I back then so I got self-conscious about it, retreated into myself. I didn’t want to sleep with them, I just wanted to hang out with them, but no one believed me. I thought I must be lying to myself, but I also never have even though I’ve partied on tour buses and let bands crash on my couch so… guess not!

I met a girl who had a youtube channel and worked with smaller bands in the NJ area at a show and we bonded. I started my own channel to try and get band interviews. I felt like I was stealing her idea but I did it my own way so that was okay right?

Why should I have cared though really? Isn’t imitation the highest form of flattery?

We shouldn’t be so territorial over stuff that doesn’t actually matter. The world and internet is massive and there’s room for everyone. I’m not here to compete, just to provide the guidance I’m led to provide and to enjoy the journey of making this life EVERYTHING I’ve ever dreamed it could be. I trust the people that need to hear what I say, the way I say it, will find it.

If we were all doing what we were MEANT to be doing then we would all be gliding through life with way less effort. Not because we’d have less problems or challenges. Because taking on life LESSONS as exactly THAT instead of a never ending hill of challenges you don’t want to face is the key to unlocking your purpose.

We never left school. The classroom just expanded to the whole world.

So we could learn all the little details we would need to put together to create the masterpiece when we were ready. You’re not late, you’re right on time, and you’ve already been working at it.

If you face every challenge life throws at you by asking,

“What is this trying to teach me?” instead of

“Why is this happening to me?” or

“Why can’t I ever catch a break?”

You’ll start to approach them differently than you used to without even meaning to.

I didn't know where this website was going at any point in its development.

I still don’t truly but I know it’s leading me back to music. I know more than I’ve done, shown, or spoken of for sure. I’m working on a whole new angle to everything as we speak but it’s not ready to reveal yet. It will be soon.

But I really don’t have a clear picture of my goal past “helping to heal the world”.

That is a REALLY BIG and DAUNTING goal. But I know it’s not all on me, there’s so many other people feeling that same pull right now. But they aren’t doing it how I’m doing it, they are doing it how THEY are doing it. There’s enough space, resources, and money on this planet for us ALL to live abundant and joy filled lives. But the powers at be that control it all right now don’t want you to know that YOU have the power to change that for yourself. Why would they, it means they lose control just as they were about to DRAG US ALL DOWN with them.

Just because you might think you wouldn’t be successful at the thing you’ve always secretly dreamed of doing doesn’t mean it’s true. You’re just seeing through the eyes of everyone who isn’t you, that was never supposed to accomplish that task. Of course it doesn’t make sense to them. Of course they don’t see how it could be successful. You don’t need to have the full picture to get started. Just listen to the internal nudges to follow your dreams, stop drowning them out because they remind you of what you didn’t pursue. IT’S NEVER TOO LATE.

In January I thought I was a bartender who was losing the career of her dreams because her body was rejecting existence. Now I think I’m a business owner who’s figuring out her own path, who bartends until it takes off. Management has always been the background job. Bartending was what I lived for. When there were 1000 people in the bar and 20 people staring at ME all wanting the next drink I made was the only time I was free. But management taught me SO MUCH of what I needed to know. Bartending just kept me there to learn it.

I didn’t have time for anxiety. I didn’t have time to care what anyone thought. All I had time to do was take this order, while making that order, and paying for a 3rd order. And continuing the sequence.

I hurt my right wrist shoveling snow during covid. I couldn’t afford not to work so I started pouring with my left hand. Those were some STRONG drinks that first month cause I couldn’t get the flip back down but that’s beside the point. The point is if life puts a road block in my way I’ve always found a way around it. It took 6 months till I could flip a bottle with my right wrist again. I still don’t know WHAT I did to it. I didn’t have insurance. I had to wrap it for 2 years. If it had happened any time other than covid I probably would have drowned in customers while learning. When that wrap came off we had moved locations. We had twice the space but only 2 extra wells. We had to be FASTER now, and we were already high volume before.

NO ONE could compete with me that first season. I’d be getting over 6k in sales while everyone else was hitting 4k or maybe 5k on Husker Game Days. I still hold the single shift sales record, but the bar also hasn’t reached that sales number since that day so it’s hard to truly compare. Some of them started practicing with their left hands too and started to catch up. Now the inexperienced bartenders I train start learning using both hands. I have a 20 year old behind my bar that could bartend circles around so many past employees who’d been around for years or had prior experience because she copied me from day 2, she was handling game days like a pro within months. Half my staff had no experience when they started and new employees usually can’t tell which is which. I don’t say this to brag or anything except about them. THEY put in the work. I was just an example who gave them guidelines.  I just want to show whats possible when you don’t hold yourself back because you THINK you can’t.

Just try.

I’ve always enjoyed writing but didn’t see how I could make a career of it. I applied to college for screenwriting but wasn’t accepted to that school, the one school I was accepted to aimed me toward music and I wasn’t mad at all. I wrote off writing, but then when going through my first major breakup I wrote an entire book to cope. In 3 months… who does that? I sent it to publishers. Got some feedback but no one was interested. I got sucked back into dealing with life and didn’t have time to think about it anymore.

I have ZERO website experience. I had my Myspace days of editing my page codes. I had my tumblr faze. I’ve learned how instagram functions for the bars social media so I am applying the same techniques and hoping for the best. My personal instagram hasn’t had a real picture posted since like 2019. I didn’t think any of these things would ever be relevant, or that I even remembered some of it. I just did a little research on platforms, picked one, and then figured it the fuck out. Like I’ve had to do with so many other things by now that I didn’t even think about it. When I published this website in April the idea of writing a blog didn’t form until May. I had the template idea. So I made a site to go around it. Then I needed a way to promote it so I started the blog side of it as an informational area when I ran out of items to promote and didn’t have ideas for more. It’s evolved and expanded so much already in just 3 months. I can’t wait to see where it is next April. But that’s not true. I absolutely can wait because EVERY SINGLE DAY until then, is an adventure leading me to my purpose, even the ones that suck. Now that I think about it like that it’s a blast. Even spending $555.56 on an unexpected bill was a lesson. An opportunity to handle it differently than I have in the past. And just paying it instead of stressing about it freed up so much space for me to create more. The angel number didn’t hurt of course. I flinched then saw the number and knew it was a lesson and adjusted my thinking to see what it was trying to teach me.

I didn’t have the idea to use MY story as an example until JUNE 3rd.

I’ve literally just been following my instincts and trusting that it will eventually make sense. And every single time it does. All the unrelated pieces of information suddenly converge in my mind and the 3 completely different things I’ve been working on all of a sudden come together into the same whole idea. Usually every major breakthrough in development comes after healing a new trigger. Everything I heal reveals the next steps I need to take. The adjustment to perspective allows me to understand the information I already had. I’m not worried about the full picture yet, I know I’ll “see” it when I’m ready.

Everything else will be figured out as I get there, worrying about it now just takes energy away from what I have to put out into the world. Make smart, responsible decisions. Don’t just quit your job because it doesn’t make you happy. Acknowledge that it doesn’t make you happy and start figuring out an escape plan. BE YOUR OWN HERO.

You don’t need to rush, you’ll never be late for what’s meant for you. Use your free time wisely to make progress, and prioritize resting and taking care of yourself as well. You can’t burn out your way to healing unfortunately. I tried that too. But go ahead and test for yourself if you like and come back when you’re ready. I’m not here to judge, just to shine a light on ONE WAY of getting to where you’re hopefully trying to go.

You just need to trust yourself. Trust the process. Every piece of yourself that you let out of the shadows and reintegrate back into yourself as a tool instead of a trigger makes the picture a little clearer. You don’t need to know where you are going to enjoy the journey.

Just focus on NOW and what you can do to truly honor yourself and your happiness, while maintaining your responsibilities, and see what happens. Handle triggers as they come up. The first ones should be easy to find but after that you might need to actively experience the cycle happening again to see it. There’s no shame in that. Healing is a never ending journey because we are constantly coming across new things to heal from in this life. But if you can get ahead of it, and then stay on top of it. You can actually be in control of your emotions. Your life. Your whole reality. It just starts with HOW you think.

I’m sorry if you felt attacked by my last blog, but instead of staying in that TRIGGERED state I really wish you would take the advice I put near the end of it.

TAKE A BREATH.

GO OUTSIDE AND TOUCH GRASS.

Make direct contact with the earth, grounding is literally as simple as doing those 2 things at the same time. If you don’t have access to grass you can start a rock collection. There’s plenty of grounding crystals out there to help, but literally ANY ROCK will do the trick if you believe it will. You just need a connection to a piece of EARTH. I keep pocket rocks so I always have access with me.

While doing this just allow your thoughts to float THROUGH your head. If you catch yourself cycling on something see if you can try to edit the perspective of that thought just a little bit every few cycles.

Example of one of my cycles of thinking I worked through. 

I’m never enough for anyone

I’m always misinterpreted, if they just understood what I was trying to convey maybe I’d be enough.

No one seems to truly see my light yet but I can feel it peaking through the shadows when I….(you’re thoughts here)

How could they truly see my light if I’m hiding half of it?

No wonder everything I do is distorted = lightbulb moment

Commence hyperfocus on unmasking process and shadow work.

Or if that doesn’t work for you, you can try counteracting it with an understanding thought.

Example…

I can’t ever do anything right. I’m always trying so hard and still doing the wrong thing.

That’s not true, I do plenty of things well. I'm just struggling with learning this new thing right now.

Why is no one ever grateful for all the work I do for them?

They’ll never see the work that goes into masking because they think you're being authentic.

It did not happen this quickly IRL, it took a lot of reading and scrolling to come to these conclusions.

Be patient and gentle with yourself. Reach out if you would like assistance. I’m happy to help you see your own cycles if I can. I can also be nicer about it if you ask me to, but I won’t compromise myself to make you feel better. I will tell you what I see whether you’re ready to hear it or not. I have added a new choice under the “services” tab.

Give yourself the compassion you give to others. (And if you don’t give compassion to others… start there on your healing by learning how too. I don’t think I can help you there. I was born with too much. I’d share if I could… but there’s no such thing as too much, I got it for a reason that will be revealed soon enough. okay that one did happen that fast.)

If my blogs help make things click for you, or you think they would help someone you love please feel free to share them. If you send someone one and they get triggered I wrote this as a follow up. Hopefully it can help someone who hasn’t found the strength in their own voice yet. I only have it when I’m typing. Life is still a roll of the dice if you get me or my mask, but the mask has been coming out less every day. I’m finally starting to feel like I have control of it as a skill to use when I NEED. Not just a survival tactic.

I love you all! Keep spreading the positive Khaos! Spread love and joy, while working through your fear and judgement. It’s never too late to find your purpose, and there’s no shame in changing your mind and deciding you want a new life tomorrow as long as you take responsibility for MAKING IT HAPPEN FOR YOURSELF.

Some relationships may not survive your metamorphosis. But that doesn’t mean you should keep yourself shoved into those boxes forever to keep the peace when you’re supposed to be FLYING.

The key to happiness is mutual respect. I live my experience while respecting your experience and seeing how those experiences can blend together rather than over power eachother.  If that respect is violated on either side it starts to swing towards actions that cause lasting wounds. It starts making people feel like they’re supposed to fit in boxes you never meant to build.

Thank you always for reading.

<3 Khaos

YOU GUYS… What if I hate pictures of myself because they are of the mask not ME… -_- I bet that’s it. cool.