I am just trying to prevent AI from having a “hand” in using music for emotional processing.

It’s too easily programmable.

Too easily swayed on the whim of a trend.

Whether societal or based on your mood.

The thought of an “Emotional Processing” tool that has been created by a machine that can predict YOUR behaviors is scary.

The thought of humans who can probably is as well…

Sorry “ya’ll” made me so aware of myself I guess.

The true source of chaos…

I had to release my dreams.

Every last one of them.

The dream of being the perfect daughter.

The dream of being the perfect bartender.

The dream of being the perfect love.

The dream of FINDING the perfect love.

The dream of being a perfect sister, friend, employee, STRANGER…human.

Letting go of everything I loved meant giving up on myself.

It was everything I had ever dreamed could be my future.

They say you can’t go home again.

When you make your home outside yourself that’s true.

Everything changes.

That’s the only thing that DOESN’T change when it comes down to it.

Wether it changes for the better or worse is always to be seen.

But without a doubt THINGS WILL ALWAYS CHANGE.

Fearing it is just setting yourself up for a life sentence full of little but doubt, fear, and disagreements with your surroundings.

I know therapy can be expensive.

I know friends can seem hard to find… or distant when you need them most.

But you need to let people be there for you.

Trying to do this on your own could have dire consequences for yourself and others.

I know this because of course… I didn’t listen to this advice when it was given to me.

Over and over.

By friends.

By family.

By strangers.

By professionals.

I thought I could take care of myself better because they just didn’t understand where I was at. I had tried to tell them. In 15 different blogs.

The only one who seemed to understand was the one everyone else questioned as to why we were still in each others lives.

After seeing us interact most people stop questioning that, but it still takes a while to settle in their heads.

On Monday August 17th, I did NOT TRY to kill myself or anyone else.

Want to see me take down the devil, demons, vampires, ghosts, narcissists... and the trap that is Hollywood all in one blog? Yeah I did too.

So I’ve mentioned my animals, introduced you to most of my cats, and talked about the loss of Eva a little. I haven’t really talked about Parker much yet though. The other inspiration behind my company name.

I got Parker when he was 6 weeks old. He pulled up in a plastic tub that was open just sitting unsecured in the back of a pickup truck. He smelled like he had been sitting in his own filth all day. I felt so bad. I couldn’t leave him with those people. I paid them and took him home.

He didn’t really want to be touched. He would turn and snap aggressively. He was like 10 lbs and it was adorable. But he was a rottweiler… mixed with a german shepherd. He wouldn’t be 10 pounds for long. At 2 months he was 20 lbs… 3 months 30…4 months 40… I got scared at 7 months.

There’s days I wish I could go back.

Back to hiding from my emotions. Back to being controlled and not having to be responsible for my own state.

Today is definitely one of those days.

I’m not going to lie to you, this journey gets lonelier for me every day.

I’ve released so much while holding onto hope.

Unfortunately, even with all my talk about filling your own cup and saving yourself there was still a tiny glimmer of hope that someone, somewhere would save me.

Instead of taking my own advice and truly believing in myself I fell back into my oldest escape.

Recently though they started speaking to me in a new way... or maybe I just finally started hearing them. They’ve probably been screaming all along like all the other times.

But as you may have guessed if you've stayed up to date on my journey so far....

It's music!!

So they gave me this key that if you allow it... if you're ready to start the journey of living an authentic life. Free of all the negativity and control we were all DROWNING in.

I would like to introduce - Emotional Processing Playlists by KHAOS

You guys this is terrifying.

I want you to know that. Every step of the process you get a little more raw. A little more real. The rejections hurt a little more. But that’s not the scary part.

Your purpose is the scary part.

At least for me. I’ve been scared of being seen my entire life.

I’m writing this shaking with tears streaming down my face but I can’t not do it.

I need to be seen. Completely and fully as I am. I need to show up for myself, so I can show you guys how to show up for yourself.

We all complain about how bad the world is. We wish SOMEONE would do something about it.

But the truth is the only person who CAN do anything about it is YOU.

I am not trying to trigger you to attack you and to provoke negative feelings.

I am trying to trigger you to show you a starting point for your own healing.

I am giving you the questions you need to ask yourself in every blog. Start with the button I push and figure out what started you reacting that way.

Maybe I just need to show who I used to be. How anxiety ridden and scared to exist I was.

Why should you heal?

Other than to stop hurting the people you love?

To find your life purpose so EVERYTHING you do can feel fulfilling.

You’re probably not as far off from it as you think you are.

You just need to go back through your life and find all the missing pieces you’ve already collected on your journey so far.

But the effects speak for themselves.

The parts of me I tried to keep hidden from myself, and the world, tend to remind me of them.

The parts that put myself and my needs first before helping those around me.

The parts of myself that left others feeling unnoticed, unloved, or like they didn’t matter.

The parts of myself that got defensive when shown themselves.

The parts of me that think there’s something special about ME in this world of billions of people.

Basically any showing of ego felt wrong.

But there’s also parts of me that I’ve always embraced that also show the effects.

Alright guys I think I figured it out.

EVERYONE has a mask. Not just neurodivergent.

That’s why it’s such a confusing topic.

THIS society created an ever looming fear of being ourselves. You get in trouble for being human at work. You show too much emotion, or not enough, and are treated like a pariah.

It has forced everyone to wake up every day and put on this mask of what the world expects to see today.

I have not fully completed the process myself but I’m well on my way and will be fully unmasked when I need to be. I just couldn’t wait to share what I’ve figured out so you could all join me on the journey to being PROUDLY ourselves.

I promise there’s no paywall or winding journey to no information.

It is all in THIS BLOG POST.

Maybe a little winding journey I do have Adhd…

Growing up I never thought I had it too bad. My family loved and cared for me. I was provided with everything I needed to survive. That was more than a lot of people around me had. My ex’s family history were both stories of single mothers struggling. They had to step up or grow up in ways most didn’t so early. One of them chose sleeping on the streets over being in his house as a teen. I had presents every Christmas. I never really worried where my food was coming from. I did well in school. I had friends. I thought I’d had a good childhood.

But that was part of the mask too. My parents did their best, it’s not their fault they weren’t shown the tools they needed to heal themselves in their life. My father is still living in survival mode at 74. And my mother’s too scared of darkness to ever see her own, or how it bleeds onto those around her. I’m sorry for the truth I’m about to show us all, but it needs to be seen to be healed. I hope you follow my lead into a better future. We’ve all been stuck in these cycles for too long.

I feel like I’ve always had to figure out life on my own, so this WHOLE journey is really hopefully a completion of that cycle for me. Most people start life asking questions and in time grow confident about things. They eventually might reach a point where they stop listening. They know what they are talking about, they are right, so they don’t need to hear what you have to say. They definitely don’t want to ever look like they didn’t know something.

I feel like I was almost born this way. Not in the sense that I thought I know everything. ABSOLUTELY NOT I’m cluelessly flailing my way through life everyday just doing my best. But with the fear of looking like I didn’t understand…

A major part of my healing journey will be spent figuring out (and sharing freely) how to remove the mask I spent 32 years blindly building and perfecting thinking that was my personality. I have joined SOOO many facebook groups and bought soooo many books trying to figure this out. I’ve also asked myself and seen it asked 100s of times in said groups.

“I just got diagnosed with autism… how do I remove the mask so I can get out of burnout?”

Or adhd, or audhd, or whatever kind of masking helped caused your mid/early/ or even late life burnout…

No one seems to know the answer. At least not in a way they can clearly state it for us. Maybe I won’t be able to either, but I’m done doubting myself in this life. I’m going to see what happens when I just try.

I got health insurance for the first time in my adult life at 32. In February ‘25 I walked into that poor woman’s office with 5 sticky note LISTS of symptoms organized by categories and started with, “I feel like shit, a lot of the time and I don’t know why… and I’m pretty sure I have ADHD… at least.” She is my “PCP” but is technically a Nurse Practitioner (I’ve never met my actual “Primary Care Physician” so they don’t count), and she has been my lifeline throughout this journey. She had me in front of psychologist by the end of our appointment and I had an ADHD diagnosis and medication in under a month.